One of the first promises I made to myself before choosing to date after my divorce was that I would choose to be intentional in the way I chose to experience any relationship I was in. I’m delighted to say that is a promise I have kept to myself, and the benefits are immeasurable.

I did quite a bit of online dating when I set out into the dating world. My profile bio said something like this.

“Hi! I’m Dani. My daily life looks like running my business and being a mom to three young kids. That means intense wrestling matches happen daily around our house, so that’s something you’ll need to be ok with! I’m looking for someone who wakes up every morning and intentionally chooses my kids and me.”

I knew after feeling like a backseat-afterthought in my first marriage that I wanted to be with someone who intentionally chose me each day. And I knew that I wanted to do better at intentionally choosing my companion, too.

Choosing Mindfulness Over Mindlessness

I’ve been with my partner for a little over a year and a half. I know, I know …. those of you who have been together for years or decades will probably grin and think something along the lines of “you’re in the honeymoon phase still!” I get it. I was married for almost twelve years, so I’m not naïve about how relationships can evolve over time.

Here’s the best part of that though. As part of my commitment to myself to be intentional in my relationship, I’ve been conscious of treating each day the same. Do you get what that means?!

For me, it means that EVERY DAY with my partner can be the most EXCEPTIONAL day together.

You think I’m exaggerating?! I’m not. That doesn’t mean that every day IS, because sometimes we aren’t as great with how intentional we are. But I’m not kidding when I say 98% of my days with him are better than I can even fathom. It’s surreal to me how often I find myself in awe that this is the life I’m living.

What Being Intentional in My Relationship Means to Me

So what does being intentional in a relationship mean? And how has being intentional elevated my ability to love? I’m no love expert – but I’d love to share with you what is working for me! When I say intentional, that specific word can usually be replaced with being mindful. Mindfulness is really the practice at play here. Here’s how being mindful in my relationship with my partner looks like for me!

See your partner.

Yes, this sounds weird. But no, it is not. I mean, maybe it is a little. Especially when they catch you staring at them. But really – this is such a huge and easy part of what it means to me to be intentional in my relationship.

What does “seeing” my partner mean? For me, it’s really looking at him and noticing specifics. I love seeing him while he drives. I’m sitting in the passenger seat looking over at the man who is choosing to be with me at that moment. I notice that. I see his dark eyes. I notice his long eyelashes, how they point down a little, and it makes me think of how he’s a sweetly sensitive person.

I notice how much I love that about him. I see his strong hands on the steering wheel and think about the specifics of how much those hands do for our family and for me – what his hands do at work to provide for our family, how he uses his hands to play catch with our sons, what those hands look like tucking in our daughters at night.

This is such a short example of “seeing” your partner. I love to “see” my partner while he’s working (we share a remote office in our home), when he’s playing with the kids, when we’re at church as a family, when he’s cooking dinner, etc. You get the idea! But you’ll notice when you practice this how intimate and almost sacred your thoughts are about your partner because you are the only person who can “see” your partner in this way. Give it a try!

Be intentional in your time together.

This idea goes beyond dedicating a specific date night once a week. This is about really noticing the time you’re choosing to share in the same space. For example: right now, I’m sitting on my bed writing this article on my laptop. My partner is sitting at his desk in our room doing math with our daughter on Facetime.

Before I chose to focus on being more intentional in my relationship, I would not have thought anything about this moment as being “special.” I would have been thinking that we were simply both choosing to be in our room. We just happen to be in it at the same time. That’s not the way I see it now though.

Though we are both in here doing separate tasks, I’m very aware of his presence (and I think he’s aware of mine). In the last twenty minutes, we’ve shared winks with each other, asked each other questions, played with our four-year-old when she danced in here in her princess dress, and we’ve shared quite a few quick glances with each other.

Taking it a step further is where the magic happens. I intentionally appreciate and love this time together. That’s what makes every day in our relationship so amazing for me since choosing to live my life with mindfulness. Acknowledging this moment, and then continuing to acknowledge these moments and opportunities throughout the rest of today is how I’ve elevated my day to day from just living it to actually experiencing it. Nothing is mundane when I choose to see moments purposefully.

Takeaways of a Mindful Relationship

Since I’ve chosen to “see people” and “be intentional in my time” with the people in my life, ALL of my relationships have been elevated! My experiences with my children are richer, my boundaries with unhealthy or difficult relationships are easier to keep, and my time on my own is more meaningful. I am not saying that I am perfect at practicing mindfulness in my relationships 100% of the day. That’s really far from the truth. But practicing this has absolutely elevated my ability to feel love for others, to show love to others, and to embrace the love I am shown as well.

Try it out! What does being mindful in your relationship look like for you? Share your tips, experiences, and questions with our community in the comments below! If you enjoyed this article, please share on social media using the buttons below and sign-up for our newsletter to receive advice straight in your inbox.

What does going on a date look like to you? Dating can look different for everyone, and there are endless possibilities of what you can do for your dates. We’ve previously talked about how to do a date at home when the kids are there. But today we’re going to change it up a bit and talk about how to date and create experiences for relationship growth for your whole family. Whether it’s a traditional family date night, a family date night at home, or an entire day filled with an event or outing, focusing on building relationships with your kids and your partner during this time can elevate the entire experience!

Building Relationships With Each Other During Family Date Night

We all know that chaos, frustration, and whining can be a part of any activity with our kids. We also know that the happiness, joy, excitement, and growth of spending time with our kids is worth those few difficult moments that often happen during any planned family activity.

Here are a few questions to consider when thinking about family date nights:

• What if we approached our date nights with our kids with a similar mindset that we approach date nights with our partner?
• Do you think your experience would be different?
• How would the outcome differ from your typical family outings?

When we’re all together as a family, focusing on growing the various relationships within a family unit instead of checking off boxes for what “needs” to happen during the time together can foster an environment and opportunity for tender nurturing and growth. When we stop trying to control the outcome of how we see the activity going and start “rolling with the punches,” it may turn out even better than we could have imagined! Even if things go downhill, the experience can still be a fun memory. Here’s an example.

I had the great idea to visit the Las Vegas Speedway Christmas Lights during our Thanksgiving trip to Las Vegas. It sounded like a really fun thing to do with our six kids. And it was…. eventually. See, we went the day after Thanksgiving. And apparently, so did the rest of everyone in Las Vegas. We got in the line in our car, but we didn’t know how far up the entrance gate was. By the time we had waited an hour, we didn’t dare leave the line because we had already invested that time.

Well… FOUR HOURS later, it was finally our turn to drive through the lights. We all look back on this experience and laugh – it was pretty rough being in the car unprepared for four hours. But it’s a memory we all enjoy looking back on because of the humor and ridiculousness involved! We had some great family conversations, listened to some good music, and created a lifelong memory.

3 Ways to Create Connection During Family Dates

1. Look for one-on-one opportunities throughout the date

We ALL crave one-on-one attention. As adults, this may be in the form of attention from our partner, parents, siblings, or friends. Kids are no exception to this desire! While enjoying your family date, be aware of circumstances that you could be purposeful in spending one-on-one time. Maybe one parent needs to go get tickets at the zoo. Take one of your children with you. Hold their hand. Ask them a personal question. Look them in their eyes. Tell them you enjoy the time with them, even if it’s only five minutes. There will most likely be many of these small opportunities to take advantage of if you look for them!

As a couple, look for these opportunities, too! Make sure to sit next to each other and hold hands if you’re at a show. Sneak in the little touches – a hand on your partner’s back or a side hug here and there. It all makes a difference, especially if you’re both choosing to notice these little things your partner is making an effort to do during your activity. Always remember – everything you do with intention creates an opportunity for growth.

2. Create opportunities for family discussion

No matter what your kids’ ages, everyone can participate in these chats. Maybe this is at the dinner table or in the car after your family date. Ask each person to name what they enjoyed most about the date. Ask what they would enjoy doing as your next family date. If your kids are older, ask for more in-depth conversations. If you saw a show, ask about the specific characters or discuss the theme. Talk about how it relates or does not relate to your lives now. Use the opportunity to spark conversation and see where it leads!

3. Go tech-free for the day

We’re all aware that going tech-free for the activity may be a big ask, but it’s worth it to get the big reward of a positive family experience! This includes parents, too!! Setting the example definitely makes the expectation for the kids to be tech-free seem more “fair” in their eyes. You’ll naturally be more invested, too! Purposefully taking in your experience without the distraction of your phone helps keep you present in what you’re doing. Kids notice when we’re on our phones. Make the time with your kids and partner the priority over all else.

As an added bonus, as much fun as it is to share your experience on social media, it can be even MORE meaningful not to. Creating a family experience solely for the purpose of the experience and NOT for the purpose of sharing makes your event feel more personal. By putting away the distractions, you’re automatically more available for conversations, intentional bonding, and more.

Family Date Ideas

If you’re stuck on date ideas to do with the whole family, here are a few easy options to get you started!

1. Fancy dinner night. Get everyone dressed up for a nice dinner out. This is a great way to teach kids about etiquette. Really play this up for fun. Ensure the boys are being gentlemen to the ladies. Put a little makeup on the girls. Do whatever your family finds appropriate for a fancy date night!
2. Go to a show. Community plays put on by kids are the perfect way to experience the culture of a performance if you have younger kids. These plays are usually more laid back. Younger audience members are admitted. And if you are on a budget, they are usually cheaper to attend. Or, if your kids are older, plan this ahead to see a traveling Broadway show or a performance put on in a bigger city. Remember – treat this as a date to get more out of it!
3. Go geocaching. This creates lots of opportunities for conversation, excitement, movement, and time together.
4. Cook a meal together. Kids love being in the kitchen! Plan, shop, prepare and enjoy a meal together.
5. Play a sport together. Pickleball, tennis, swimming, and soccer are all great ways to get everyone involved.

How did your family date go? Did you notice anything different by treating your family activity as a date? What would you do differently next time? Share your ideas with our community below! If you enjoyed this article, please share on social media using the buttons below and sign-up for our newsletter to receive advice straight in your inbox.

Do you ever get that “punch in the gut” feeling when your partner says or does something that just hits you in exactly the wrong way? Your feelings got hurt, and you’re just not sure how to immediately respond. You’re not even sure if you can respond. You’re kind of frozen in your feelings of hurt, disbelief, anger, frustration… all of the emotions are there.

What you do next is the critical decision, and you have a few options.

1. Immediately address the conflict
2. Gather your thoughts over the next few minutes, hours, or even days
3. Hold in your feelings and emotions and leave them unaddressed

Every person and every disagreement may require adaptation to your approach in handling conflict. Having a set approach in place will give you confidence and direction in addressing conflict in your relationship. Holding it all in though – that’s where problems can brew. Here are five reasons why holding in your feelings can be hazardous to your relationship.

Why Working Past Conflicts is Crucial

Holding in feelings can create the perfect hazard for continued resentment

When you’re leaving hurt feelings or issues internal, there’s a good chance that you’re not seeing your partner through those “rose-colored lenses” that you usually enjoy looking through. When you’re holding in feelings, you’re in a more vulnerable state to continue finding reasons to feel hurt, upset, angry, etc. Sometimes, it can even feel like you’re looking for more problems instead of finding solutions.

Holding in feelings does not allow your partner a chance for restitution

When holding in your feelings, you’re robbing your partner of a chance to make things right. Many times in relationships, we’re unaware that we’ve caused hurt and pain to our partner. Often, it’s not until our partner comes forward with their grievance that we can clearly recognize where we may have mis-stepped or gone wrong. We all know it’s extremely difficult to fix something that we don’t even know is broken. Giving your partner a chance to acknowledge their stumble is a gift to both of you.

Holding in feelings does not allow conversation between the two of you

Having a conversation is crucial as it may lead to you understanding where you went wrong. As much as none of us enjoy admitting we’re wrong, it’s absolutely a necessary quality to develop in a relationship. When we hold in our feelings, we’re preventing the growth of our own relationships.

Oftentimes, we’re looking at the “D” part of something that happened while forgetting that “A, B, and C” happened first. When we can have honest conversations with our partners about our perceptions of unfolded events, we can also see where we influenced or misinterpreted the negative outcome. Taking responsibility for our part in hurt feelings can help us resolve our concerns with our partner.

Holding in feelings creates a disconnect in your relationship

When things aren’t copasetic between your partner and you, there’s a chasm that begins to form between you both. Holding your feelings in over and over or choosing to have constructive communication is the deciding element to figure how large that chasm between the two of you will grow to become. The longer feelings of resentment bubble beneath the surface, the greater the distance grows between your partner and you.

When you refrain from all of the more difficult conversations that need to happen, eventually you’ll find yourself on two different sides of a gorge. You’re living life independent of each other. You’re doing things on your own. You become complacent in sharing a space but not sharing a life. The crazy part is, it may not have even ever been “big” problems. Lots of little feelings bottled up over time can create a complete disconnect. All of the unaddressed feelings add up.

Holding in feelings cultivates an atmosphere of distrust

When you hold your feelings in and refrain from confronting them with your partner, there’s a sense of distrust that begins to form. You wonder why your partner doesn’t notice your agitation. Do they not know you well enough to see you’re hurting? You thought they did, but now you’re questioning it. Can they not see you’re struggling? Do they not care?

All of these insecurities can compound and lead to feelings of being unwanted or being unseen. When we’re feeling these emotions, it’s extremely easy to fall into patterns of grandiose thoughts and feelings. Ultimately, we can feel distrust towards our partner for “not having our back” so-to-say.

Now What?

One more strong reason to not bottle up your emotions is that it can have a toll on your physical and mental health, potentially even leading to heart disease and cancer.

When we look at these reasons to avoid holding in our feelings, we may see where we’re falling short in our relationships. Having a conversation about how to communicate when our feelings are hurt is the first place to start. The best time to have this conversation is before the need arises!

By talking about how you would like to communicate about hurt feelings or frustrations before you actually need to, you’re automatically creating a safe and assuring plan to turn to when necessary. The assurance and confidence that accompanies a plan can help you have the courage you need to bring up the hard conversations. Don’t hold it in. Think through your feelings, wrap your head around what you can, and trust that your partner is genuinely invested in growing your relationship with you. That’s why you’re in the relationship in the first place!

During periods of extreme stress and natural disasters, it is especially important to not hold in your feelings. You can read about Kelly’s experience with a major unexpected power outage and how to deal with a natural disaster or sudden, extreme stress here.

How do your partner and you approach difficult conversations? What have you learned about this process? Share your thoughts with our community in the comments! If you enjoyed this article, please share on social media using the buttons below and sign-up for our newsletter to receive advice straight in your inbox.

Being a part of a relationship that is steadily growing and being tended to is one of the most satisfying human experiences. By living mindfully and putting in the intentional time, thought, practice, and energy into building relationships, we can achieve that satisfaction. There are endless things to do to strengthen your marriage or relationship. Choosing approaches that best fit your relationship goals will ensure the growth your partner and you are seeking and working towards.

Why Reading Together Brings You Closer

Reading together as a couple can be an extremely positive relationship-building tool. We’re going to examine three unexpected reasons reading together can be your new relationship obsession and how you can get the most from your experiences reading together.

For the purpose of what we’re discussing today, what you’re reading together is up to you! This is not intended to be geared towards reading relationship or self-help books. These tips are geared towards reading whatever you choose as a couple. This could be novels, biographies, non-fiction, magazines, newspapers, scriptures – whatever works for YOUR relationship!

Reason One: Reading Together Creates Topics for Conversation

While silence can be golden at times, other times you may find a lull in your conversations with your partner even though you’d like the engagement. Choosing a book or article to read together creates a natural variety of topics to discuss as a partnership. Nothing is off-limits or “wrong” here. Maybe reading created a new train of thought completely unrelated to the book. That train of thought is still worth discussing with your partner.

Let’s examine what some conversation topics based on your reading can be. For this example, we’ll say that you’ve chosen to read a novel together. Here are some topics of conversation you can have as a couple based on what you’re reading.

1. Plotline – Starting your conversation by discussing the plotline will most likely end up with multiple branches of conversation flowing naturally.
2. Characters – What do you like and dislike about the characters? What qualities do you admire in some of them? Are there any similarities between any of the characters and your partner or you?
3. Lessons learned – What are your takeaways from the experiences in the story? How do they apply to your life? Do you agree or disagree with what the story may be teaching?

Reason Two: Reading Together Can Help You Connect in An Intellectual Way

In relationships, we often fall into patterns, we create habits, and we repeat cycles. This isn’t intended to be a negative observation. People are drawn to consistency for many reasons, but when we want to experience a surge of growth in our relationships, a unique experience needs to occur to initiate that surge. Reading together can be that spark.

When we choose to commit to our partner, it’s not because we know EVERYTHING there is to know about them. It’s more because we are intrigued by learning more about what makes them, well, them. Connecting on an intellectual level is one way to explore and experience our partner in new ways. Reading together can pull out our partner’s intellectual characteristics while simultaneously pulling out our own.

When we read, we are stimulating our thoughts. When we observe and discuss our thoughts, we are stimulating our minds even more. Doing this together can be a very connecting experience. Engaging in conversations beyond the plot of a story can open critical thinking pathways that you usually don’t explore together.

Gaining an understanding of how your partner gets from point A, to point B, to point C, and so-on in a thought process can help you understand your partner more profoundly. Regularly engaging in these conversations can help you establish patterns in the way your partner thinks and perceives the world; therefore, you’ll gain a deeper understanding of your partner.

You don’t have to agree on your thoughts and observations about what you’re reading. In fact, disagreements over opinions can spur great intellectual conversations that can also lead to a sense of closeness. After all, part of relationships is learning how to disagree effectively.

According to Psychology Today, there is even scientific research behind being attracted to intellectual experiences. So when your husband is analytically conversing with you about his thoughts on what you’re reading, you may find that really sexy. Or when your girlfriend is explaining how something she read has enlightened her in a new way, she may be especially hot to you during that moment. It’s normal. And it’s another benefit of reading together

Reason Three: Reading Together Creates an Interpersonal Experience

When you read together, you’re sharing something that’s just “yours.” Chances of your friends or family reading the exact same media at the same time as you are pretty low. Having an experience that is personal to the two of you creates a bond. It’s almost like a “secret” between the two of you, even though it’s something that does not require being secretive. It feels special to engage in an activity that the two of you have decided to participate in together.

My Experience

I had a desire to write on this topic because of the many positive experiences I’ve had reading with my partner. At the beginning of our relationship, we read The Alchemist by Paulo Coelho. For us, we read independently and then discuss what we read together. Some couples may choose to read aloud to each other, and that would work great too!

Reading this particular book was a very personal experience for us. The main theme and lessons we learned from this book are based on the concept of what love is. At least that’s what we pulled from the pages when we read it! I say it was about love because that’s what we wanted it to be about, but I’m positive there are other amazing themes in there as well. In fact, I’ve been itching to read it again to see what I missed the first time.

When we discussed our reading almost daily, our conversation centered on the author’s perceptions of love and how we related them to our relationship. The characteristics of how the author viewed loved were very similar to our own views. It felt reassuring to feel love in our relationship as described in the book, and it felt encouraging to continue on our path to understanding love more deeply.

Reading that particular book together created an intimate experience that I still treasure. We talk fondly of our conversations about the first book we read together. I am absolutely sure of the deeper connection I felt with my partner after completing the book and our conversations on it that have never ended. Thoughts still arise over a year later that are centered on what we learned from those pages.

Have you read together as a couple? What have been your most favorite reads? Leave a comment below and share your tips with our community! If you enjoyed this article, please share on social media using the buttons below and sign-up for our newsletter to receive advice straight in your inbox.

You know the “Advice for the Bride and Groom” (or Bride and Bride or Groom and Groom) table at most weddings or bridal showers? It’s the place where all the guests fill out a card with advice for the new couple, and it’s pretty much a guarantee that the advice that is most written on those cards is the old adage “Never go to bed angry.” We’re going to talk today about why that’s a load of junk and why it can be necessary for a healthy relationship to table resolutions for another day.

The Old Way – Going to Bed Angry

I’ve been fortunate enough to go through a divorce and find a second chance at creating a life together with someone new. That first week or two after divorce though? Pure torture. It was as if I had a crystal ball in my head, and my recollection of all the things I did wrong in my relationship were floating in and out of the forefront of my mind.

All of these memories were a painful reminder of my failed marriage. But they also created an intense resolve in me to learn from my mistakes and be intentional in all parts of any future relationship I chose to be in. I remember being so eager post-divorce to have the opportunity to show myself that I can learn from past relationship mistakes. Luckily, I’ve found that chance!

I met my partner about a year after my divorce, and the first few months, as usual, were like living on cloud-nine. Actually, it still is like living on cloud-nine, but there were just those extra butterflies that come with the realization that you’ve met your soul-mate. (No, I didn’t believe in soul-mates before meeting him. Yes, now I do!) Feelings intensified, we had some unique circumstances, and we ended up moving in together about five months in.

The feelings stayed intense, life with him felt amazing, and both of us were doing our best to intentionally choose each other every day. Add in six kids and blending our families, and we had a house filled with excitement, energy, and love. And then it happened – our first disagreement.

I can’t tell you what we were disagreeing about because I don’t remember. What I do remember is that he wasn’t ready to talk about it just yet. He let me know he was trying to process his feelings in his mind, and he didn’t want to discuss our disagreement until he had a better handle on his role in the argument. He would let me know when he was ready. This was at bedtime, so we both went to bed – that’s to say, we went to bed angry.

I didn’t sleep. ALL the feelings of failure came rushing into me. I kept thinking “We shouldn’t be going to bed angry” because I had heard that all of my life. I still had the resolve to make better relationship choices this time. And I wanted to make the right choices every time there was an opportunity. I didn’t want to fall into a habit of being upset with each other, and I especially didn’t want to be on opposite sides of the bed at night, ensuring not even a toe grazed each other under the covers.

I felt like our relationship was crashing because we weren’t in sync before going to sleep. This is a good time to note that these intense, irrational feelings after divorce are extremely common. It’s almost like your brain is going into overdrive to protect you from all the hurt you’ve already gone through. It was NOT helping me at that moment!! I just wanted to shake him awake and tell him he HAD to talk to me because we just couldn’t go to bed angry. We would feel so much better if we resolved our issues that night. My mind raced all night, and I barely slept.

As I said, I don’t even remember what the disagreement was about. I do know that we resolved it the next day, and we moved on. I visited with my therapist about the scenario. I knew that I was hyper-reacting, but I also wanted to know what is really healthy in a relationship when it comes to going to bed with unresolved issues. Our conversation was amazing.

The New Way – Going to Bed With Love

My therapist and I talked about how important it is for me to know that I am giving my relationship my ALL. I can be at peace when I know I am doing the very best I can at any given moment to improve on my weaknesses, grow in my understanding of myself, and consistently honor my own feelings. I’m also at peace when I know that I am loving him from a place of abundance and expecting nothing in return, and when I acknowledge that my efforts towards loving him are intentional.

We talked about going to bed angry. And this is where the real “aha moment” clicked for me. My partner had told me he was trying to make sense of our disagreement. He set a boundary for me, and it was in place to protect both of us. He knew he wasn’t ready to calmly process through our argument with me quite yet because he hadn’t processed through it all on his own.

By practically demanding a resolution from him in my mind before falling asleep, I was reassuring myself of all untrue feelings. I felt like he must not love me if he couldn’t even resolve what really was a small issue with me. He was really telling me that he loves me so much that he wanted to resolve our argument when we were both in a place of seeing the disagreement more clearly and with fewer emotions clouding our minds. What he was really saying was “It’s ok if we go to bed angry.”

My therapist painted a beautiful picture in my mind that day, and it’s something that we’ve put into practice in our relationship since then.

“Go to bed angry,” she said. “But before you go to sleep, reach out and hold his hand.”

Life-changing.

It really was that “aha moment” for me when she counseled this. Going to bed angry does NOT mean going to bed without love. When we are in disagreement, we can still do ALL of the things we do when we are more in sync. We can also hold space for each other to process through the disagreement so we can become ready to work through it together. While we may not fall asleep cuddling each other like we usually do, we can fall asleep with a hand touching and KNOWING that whatever the disagreement may be, it is NOT bigger than our commitment to each other.

Being in a disagreement does not need to be all the things that we hear about. We don’t need to give each other the silent treatment until we resolve our argument. We don’t have to scream. We don’t have to talk negatively about the other person to others. We don’t have to sleep on opposite sides of the bed or in another bed altogether. We don’t have to steer clear of each other throughout the day. We don’t have to “agree” with each other just to make the problem go away while simultaneously continuing to hold resentment.

Being in a disagreement is a time for you to trust your own instincts, but do so with intention instead of out of reaction. Maybe you need some time to yourself. Maybe you need to journal your thoughts to help organize them. Maybe you could use a long walk and fresh air. Listen to your heart, head, and body to see what it’s telling you, and then do that.

Time went on and my partner and I had another disagreement. I don’t remember what it was about. I do remember that we weren’t ready to talk about it when we went to bed. I also reassured myself that we would resolve it when we were both ready.

I got on my side. He got on his. We both hugged the edge of our sides of the bed. We were under the same covers, but not a part of us was touching. I sat in my thoughts for a while. He sat in his. I was sad and frustrated, and I think he was too.

And then I rolled over and reached out my hand. He reached his back towards mine. His touch on my fingers felt exactly how I want love to feel to me. It felt tangible, real, heavy, and intentional. Our eyes met, my heart calmed, and I felt his love for me. Our disagreement was still there, but it was not consuming me.

I felt peace and assurance knowing that my partner and I would work through it when we were ready. I also felt peace and assurance knowing that I was choosing to place our disagreement under my choice to love him. Choosing to love him is a gift to myself, and it’s one that I will always strive to place above all else in our relationship.

We repeat this process almost identically any time we are in disagreement. Knowing that we have this plan in place gives me even more freedom to take my time, process my feelings, and give myself permission to work out the disagreement and possible resolutions before coming to the discussion table. This is working so well for us. So, we will continue to go to bed angry because we know that’s what we sometimes need.

What are your thoughts on going to bed angry? Do you think you should never go to bed angry, or are you ok to table your disagreement for another time? Reach out and share your thoughts with our community!  And sign-up for our newsletter to receive advice straight in your inbox.

We all know that doing the same old dinner and a movie date is not always what we’re looking for. While getting out and going on to dinner and a movie is sometimes exactly what you need as a couple, there are a million other dates you can do, too! Coming up with those ideas can often be the difficult part! We’ve got your back! And our date idea we’re chatting about today is the idea that keeps on giving!

For this date, you’re going to explore somewhere new in your city. And then you’re going to do it again. And then you’re going to do it again. You’re going to explore as many times as you want until you’re satisfied with your conclusion. What are you concluding? Whatever you would like! Here’s the idea. Your partner and you are going to pick something in your city that you can “tour.”

You can tour your city in a few different ways for this date. You could tour your favorite type of food. For example, maybe you’re trying to find your city’s best cup of coffee. You may be on a quest for the best burger in town. Maybe you enjoy Sunday morning Bloody Mary specials (virgin works, too!!) and are on the hunt for the best one.

You could tour your favorite parks in your area for hanging a hammock together. Maybe you want to find the best nature walk. You could look for the best area for swimming.

Your city also probably has some very unique attractions you’ve never seen before… or even knew existed. Check out Roadside America’s curated collection of novelty attractions, like the World’s Largest Pistachio or the Colossus Penguin at the Coldest Spot in the Nation.

If you can’t think of something else, check out our guide here for seeking out street performers. Street performers are a great source of entertainment, whether it is a musician, a magician, or another form of artistry, you are sure to be impressed by what your city has to offer. You could try to find a different type of street performer each time you go out. Maybe a drummer this week, a magician the next, and a live painter the following.

No matter what you decide to tour, here is the best part. This is the date that keeps on giving! You get to choose how many times to go on this date. Maybe you’re going to check out three places and then rank them in your favorite order. Maybe you decide to make this a neverending date and you want to explore every possibility. Regardless of what you choose, the next time you’re wanting to go out but don’t have any ideas, pull out your tour date card and find your next destination.

You can add fun parts to this date, too. Take a picture together at each spot to add to an album. Pick one of your couple friends and do this with them. Create a special hashtag on your social media to document your tour. Review each spot and share your reviews online or on social. Maybe this is your date

Pick Something New to Tour In Your City

Once you’ve completed your first tour, pick a new one! We’ve found it really is great to have this as a go-to date when the date ideas just aren’t flowing for you. It’s much easier to go to Google and search for something specific like “best hamburger in town” because you’re on your burger tour and pick a place to go.

Let us know what you think! Have you picked your tour? What are you and your partner checking out in your city? Drop us a comment and let our community know your tips! And sign-up for our newsletter to receive advice straight in your inbox.

It’s your turn to plan a date, and you want it to be unique AND spectacular. You know you want to take your partner downtown and experience a bit of the city. You look for a good restaurant, but nothing is catching your eye. You check the local theaters for a concert, play, or event you could possibly go to, but all the tickets are sold out or just simply out of your budget. The art museum is open, but you’ve already been there for a few dates.

How about this. Instead of going downtown with a perfect plan in place, you go downtown with the purpose of exploring and finding your own entertainment?! Cities can be a hotspot of some of the greatest artists, musicians, and entertainers. They’re set up on street corners or in a pedestrian alley or courtyard. They’re performing for simply one reason – because they LOVE to perform for you! How great is that?! You can enjoy an evening out together, walk around your city, explore new places, and be captivated by some of the most passionate entertainers in your area.

Tips to Search Out Street Performers in Your City

Obviously, you don’t want to let down your partner by promising a unique date night and underdelivering when street performers are nowhere to be found! This is definitely a date to think through beforehand, even though part of the fun of the date is the spontaneous aspect! Here’s a list of tips for finding the best street performers in your city.

1. Go to a popular pedestrian area in your city – outdoor malls are usually a hot spot
2. Check out the nightlife area – restaurants, bars, and theaters
3. Search around local tourist attractions or big city buildings
4. Many performers can be found around large greenspace areas in your city
5. Check boardwalks and piers if you’re by a beach
6. Check around sports arenas if there’s an event that night
7. More performers come out on the weekends
8. Street performers can be found during the day sometimes, but nighttime is when there are more performers
9. Warm weather and street performances go hand in hand – this is definitely a date for warmer weather!
10. Scope out locations the weekend before if possible

The Date

Make sure you plan and provide your partner with the necessary details to set up your date for success. Ensure you have the right clothes to be outside, and bring a jacket if necessary. If you are planning on going and checking out some green space areas, bring a blanket to sit on, too! You could even pack a little picnic if you know you’ll be sitting down for a while.

You can choose what to do during your date in addition to enjoying street performers. Maybe you want to stop for dinner first. Maybe you’re going to go to the outdoor mall with the intention of doing shopping and stopping to enjoy the performers in-between stores. Perhaps you’re looking for the performers first, and then planning to end the night with a night-cap at your favorite downtown lounge. You get to choose what sounds best to your partner and you!

Enjoying the Performances

Once again, there is no right or wrong way to do this! Here are a few suggestions for ways to enjoy the street performers you find.

1. Get in close! Don’t be afraid to be up close for your enjoyment. Performers feed off the energy of the crowd, and so can you!
2. Dance! We all know we don’t get many opportunities to slow dance with our partner. If the right song comes up, hold each other and move with the music. Who cares who is watching?! It’s all about the intentional moments between the two of you. Plus, other people will probably be dancing too. Or even better, because you start dancing, others join in!
3. Stay a while! Don’t feel like you can only enjoy a song or two. Even if the performer is taking a break, they will be back! If you’re enjoying it, wait for the return. Think of it more like a whole concert or show instead of just “catching a glimpse.”
4. Get involved! If the performer needs a volunteer, go on up! Being a part of the performance is sure to add entertainment to your date. And you’re more likely to remember details of the night long-term. Street magicians are great for needing volunteers if you are seeking out audience engagement opportunities.
5. Show appreciation! We all love to be acknowledged for a job well done. Performers are the same! While performers are out there first and foremost for the enjoyment of performing, a little tip may get you a more personal experience. Maybe they will take a song request. Or maybe you’ll get a piece of art just for you. Either way, leave a tip if you’re enjoying your experience and show that bit of appreciation for their art!

When We Experienced Our Own Private Concert

My boyfriend and I were walking back to our hotel after enjoying dinner on Santa Monica Boulevard. We walked the long way back so we could enjoy the ocean air and the warm night. Music piercing through the streets grabbed my attention. We walked around trying to find where it was coming from. We eventually came upon a young man wearing sweatpants, a hat, and a tank top and performing with a violin, a phone, and a speaker.

The music exuding from this violin was breathtaking. It was fast, engaging, current, and mesmerizing. I could feel the vibrations in my body. It was an experience I’ll never forget because of how utterly wondrous the music was.

My partner and I talked about how we wanted to talk to the performer. We wanted to know his story. We wanted to know where this passion he played with came from. We wanted to know why he was playing his violin on the streets of Santa Monica and not on a concert hall stage that required $200 tickets for admittance. I would pay that much or more to experience his talent again.

People stopped and listened for a minute. There was a drunk man dancing around the performer. Cars honked as they passed by. I barely noticed it all. We stood there for around half an hour just experiencing this hidden gift on the street in Santa Monica. It was a date night I’ll never forget.

Did you try out this date? How did it go? Do you have any tips for our readers? Leave a comment below to share your experience! And sign-up for our newsletter to receive advice straight in your inbox.

I think by now we all know how important setting goals are, so we’re not going to talk about that here. What we are going to talk about is how setting unique and specific goals can improve your relationship. There are three ways setting unique couple goals can positively impact your relationship. First, unique goals specific to your partnership helps make goals feel more intimate to your relationship. Second, setting goals together ensures you have someone to keep you accountable for achieving your goals. Third, setting goals together encourages consistent growth and change in your relationship.

Set Specific Goals Unique to Your Relationship

Setting broad goals in your relationship is absolutely important. We hear about these types of goals all the time. We also hear about setting smaller goals, daily and weekly ones, but how many of us are doing that? And what can those goals even be? Setting goals should be extremely specific to your relationship. In doing so, you’re creating this small but intimate act that helps reinforce your commitment to yourself and your partner. Knowing that you are setting a goal that is personal to your partnership adds the fun aspect of feeling like it’s your novel goal. Feeling like no one else is doing what you’re doing gives it an extra personal touch.

I’ll give an example. My partner and I set goals really early in our relationship. It was almost immediately after agreeing to be in a committed relationship that we had a long discussion about daily and weekly goals that were important to us. We set big and broad goals too. One goal that we have stuck with the very best is to spend one hour every Sunday laying in bed while touching. No TV. No phones. Just eye contact, conversation, and touch. Sometimes it means just holding hands while we talk. Sometimes it’s tickling arms. Sometimes it’s rubbing feet. It doesn’t really matter what it is. It does matter what it does for us.

The benefits to us when we stick with this goal are immeasurable. We’re starting our week off purposefully with quality and intentional time together. It helps remind us what our main priority is for the week – and that’s each other and our family. In the middle of busy work schedules, kids’ activities, unexpected events, and more, we start every week honoring each other and reminding ourselves of what is most important in our lives.

Here are some examples of small, unique couple goals to get you started.

1. Sunday morning walk together
2. 10 minutes of conversation before turning on the TV every night
3. Write one email to each other weekly
4. One lunch break date with each other weekly
5. Read 10 pages of a book together each night

There are no right or wrong goals you can set as a couple. Think about what you need. Think about times you really connect, and set goals to ensure those opportunities happen more often.

Setting Goals Ensures You Stay Accountable

As with any goals, setting goals with a partner helps create an accountability system. A goal should be something you are both committed to. You’re not setting goals to please each other. If you are doing this, it most likely won’t stick! You should have a desire to work towards this goal on your own, even without your partner’s assistance.

Setting goals with someone adds a partner to your journey and, as with most other experiences in life, having a partner to share an experience with makes it all the more meaningful. I’ve found that setting goals with my partner provides me extra encouragement to stick to them. I don’t want to let him down, and I want to keep my commitments to him and to myself.

Setting Goals Encourages Consistent Change and Growth

When you stop growing you start dying.

William S. Burroughs

Do you believe this? I do. Firmly. The idea behind this is there is no status quo. We can’t simply just exist in the middle. This is in regards to every aspect of our lives, and our relationship is definitely included in that.

Think about it. Picture when your partner and you are “out of sync” a little bit. Nothing, in particular, went wrong. No one is fighting. No one is really taking the initiative to pick things up a bit either. You just don’t feel quite as close. Do you think your relationship is growing or dying in these moments? Do you think you’re good to just sit in the middle for a bit? While there are natural hills and valleys in our relationships, what are we doing to proactively stay on the top of those hills for longer periods?

Setting goals is a proactive way to protect from these declines in our relationship. I don’t think I’ve ever come away from intentional time spent working on a goal with my partner and thought “That was a waste of time. I feel disconnected from him now.” Every conversation, every intentional activity together, every moment with a purpose – it’s all going to assist in growing our relationships instead of allowing them to flounder.

The First Step

Maybe your partner and you already have goals. Maybe you have never set goals as a couple. Either way, now is a good time to evaluate your goals or lack thereof. Here’s a challenge for you, too. Sometime, in the next three days, sit down with your partner. You’re going to make ONE unique and specific goal for your relationship together. Make sure you’re both on the same page, and it’s a goal you can both commit to. Start small if this is new to you. Set a time to evaluate your goal each week and ensure you’re sticking with it. Pivot on your goal if you find it’s not quite what you need. Make your goals work for you.

What are your thoughts on setting goals as a couple? What goals have worked well for your partner and you? What do you struggle with? Leave a comment so our community can learn from you, too! And sign-up for our newsletter to receive advice straight in your inbox.

Often, especially as parents with young kids, it’s easy to feel disconnected from or a little “off” with your partner. Maybe you’ve had a long and stressful work week. Maybe the kids have been extra clingy, and you’ve failed to have alone time together for a while. Maybe one of you has been sick. Whatever the reason, you’re feeling that deep NEED to spend some one-on-one intentional quality time with your partner. And if you can’t find a sitter or paying for one is not in the budget for those little precious loves of yours (AKA: the kids), don’t let that stop you from dating your partner!

Your Date At Home

When your mind, body, and heart are telling you that you need some attention and TLC with your companion, don’t let anything get in the way of making it happen. Let’s chat today about how to date at home when getting out of the house just isn’t in the cards.

The Setup

As with any date, planning is essential in making this particular date successful. We all know that busy parents rarely get to the “Optional” part of their “To-Do List.” First and foremost, make your date at home the priority. Pick a night that you’re going to have your date. Try and choose a night that is not preceded by a packed full day on the calendar. Make the commitment to each other to make it happen.

You can even get the kids involved by talking about your date with them through the week. “Mommy and Daddy can’t wait for Friday night. We have a special night planned for everyone!” Or “Daddy and Papa are looking forward to Saturday. We’re going to have a date right here at home! And we’re probably going to kiss!” When we’re playful with our kids, and they feel more involved in the planning, they’re more prepared to go along with the night!

What To Do With the Kids During Your Date at Home

Since we’re on the subject, let’s talk about what the kids will be doing during your date! You have a couple of options, and either will work. The first is to plan your date during bedtime. If your kids are on a great schedule and you know that they will be in bed at 8 pm, then plan your date for after bedtime.

The second option is to plan a special night for the kids so they are entertained during your date. The easiest and most dependable option here is to plan a movie night. If you do it right, you’ll get close to two hours for your date! Once again, get the kids involved in the planning.

The more involved they are planning their night, the more invested they will be in enjoying it. Pick a movie earlier in the week. Talk about it daily. Build it up! Pick up some of their favorite movie candy at the store. Set up a comfy area to enjoy the movie from. Maybe even let them have popcorn, even if you usually have a “no food on the couch” rule. Helping them feel like it’s an extra special experience will help keep them invested in their experience.

Date at Home Ideas

1. Charcuterie board and game night – This is about trying new foods, using your creativity to create an easy to enjoy and visually pleasing meal, and experiencing the competition or laughter of a game. Some quick, easy, and great games to play as a couple are Sequence, MasterMind, Ticket to Ride, Chess, or Qwirkle.
2. Go to the game! – Plan your date around a sports event you want to watch together. Try to match your experience with what you would do if you were in the arena or ball-field. Enjoy hotdogs, popcorn, soda or your favorite draft beer, icecream, etc. Don’t forget to wear your jerseys to support your favorite team!
3. Back yard date – Set up your yard for an evening of fun. Grill together. Play cornhole or frisbee while the food cooks. Start a fire and cozy up together with a glass of wine or sparkling grape juice. Use what you have available in your yard to set up your own personal and unique date.
4. Pamper each other – Plan to give each other massages. Pick up a new body oil or lotion to use to make it feel a little more special. Put on some music and light a few candles to really create a relaxing environment. The massage could be a foot rub, a full-body massage, a shoulders and neck massage – whatever you’re needing and wanting from this date! Ask your partner in advance and make a plan so you both have something to look forward to as well.

Your Date at Home

Once you have the kids settled, it’s time for your date! The more you have prepared in advance of the date, the easier it will be to take advantage of the time you have sans kids. If you’re going to eat, cook dinner before so you can sit down and get into your date right away. If you’re going to have a more romantic night, set out the candles and anything else you need. Take the time to get yourself dressed and “done up” before your date starts. Doing everything you normally do before a date out will help assist in making this experience a fantastic date, too!

We know it’s not easy to “turn off” parent-mode, especially when the kids are in the next room over, but just try it out for this date! Interruptions may happen, but if you’re committed to taking advantage of any time you’ve made together, you’re going to feel some positive outcomes in your relationship!

Whatever you’ve chosen to do for your date, there is always one goal to keep in mind. The purpose of dating is to grow your relationship. You’re nurturing it, tending to it, and helping it flourish. One of the best ways to grow your relationship is to be intentional during your time together. What this really means is no matter what your date is, your focus is on being present. Soak in each moment. Notice what you’re thinking and feeling. Be aware of how you’re choosing to share your love with your partner. Acknowledge how your partner is choosing to share their love with you. Take advantage of every second together.

Being intentional has the intense ability to heighten your experiences during your date so much! Being intentional also takes so much practice. As you’re on your date, make a conscious effort to notice your patterns of thoughts and actions. Always remember, it’s a gift to yourself to be able to share your love with your partner. And it’s your partner’s gift to share their love with you.

How did your date at home go? What worked well for you? What would you do differently next time? Leave a comment and share with our community! And sign-up for our newsletter to receive advice straight in your inbox.

I was married for twelve years. In those twelve years, I developed some helpful habits – habits that helped my marriage and helped me. In those twelve years, I developed some hurtful habits – habits that hurt my partner and hurt me. While those habits were not what ultimately caused my divorce, they were the habits that I’ve since learned contributed immensely to my unhappy marriage. The thing is, I was completely unaware that I developed habits that were so hurtful to my then-husband and myself. In fact, I thought these habits were helping build my relationship. I was wrong.

I have been divorced for two years. In these two years, I’ve developed some helpful habits – habits that have lifted me from the cold ground I found myself upon while my world imploded through my divorce. In these two years, I have recognized many areas of my life that needed my attention and focus. In these two years, I have forged myself into an entirely new woman while seeking my new truths, engaging in soul digging reflection, and fighting for change in myself. In these two years, I have discovered and felt love in a way I couldn’t even have imagined existed. In these two years, I have learned more about my responsibility to myself and what it truly means to make myself whole.

My First Experiences With Love Languages

When I was a young newlywed, I distinctly remember my mom recounting information about this book she was reading. In the book, five “Love Languages” were identified. If you’ve ever been in a relationship, or you’re in one now, you’ve most likely heard of this concept. If you’re not familiar with love languages, here’s a really basic explanation.

Essentially, five areas of ways to show and receive love are identified. The theory teaches that we can order the love languages in a way that suggests the best ways for someone else to show us love. Our highest “love languages” are the ways we receive love in the best form; therefore, we feel the most loved when we’re experiencing our “love language.”

The Five Love Languages

1. Word’s of Affirmation
2. Acts of Service
3. Receiving Gifts
4. Quality Time
5. Physical Touch

The book, and then eventually the method of loving using the Love Language Theory, became a staple in my marriage theories and practice. It felt so easy because I could easily identify, label, and ultimately share with him how I wanted and needed to be loved.

Practicing Love Languages in My Marriage

Early in my marriage, before the kids came, I felt like my highest ranked love language was receiving gifts. “Perfect!” I thought to myself. “I’ll tell him that this is how he can show me love, and it will be so simple. And he’ll tell me how he wants to be loved, and I’ll show him that way.”

But it wasn’t that simple. The gifts didn’t come regularly. I often wondered why it was so difficult for him to do something so manageable to show me his love like bringing home some flowers or grabbing a small gift at the store. He often wondered why his love language he conveyed to me, physical touch, wasn’t how I wanted to show him love either.

When My Love Language Left Me Feeling Unloved

About two weeks after welcoming our first child together, a child that took over two years to conceive, Mother’s Day arrived. I was excited! Mother’s Day during the two agonizing years of infertility was so painful. But not this year! This year, I was finally a mom. This was a day that I just KNEW I would get to feel loved. It was going to be a day all about recognizing me in my new role. There would be a card and a thoughtful gift. I had it all planned in my head. He was going to tell me what an amazing mom I was to our newborn. He was going to recognize the sacrifices I made. He knew my love language, so surely he would deliver. I was going to be so uplifted.

But I wasn’t.

There was nothing. Not a card. Not a gift. I was devastated. I felt unloved because I had placed the definition of my love in that love language. I still didn’t understand why it was so difficult for him to love me when I felt like I practically gave him a “How To” guide.

The years went on. We had two more children. My highest ranking love language changed. Being a busy mom with three young children and a business to run contributed to that change! I identified my highest ranking love language at that point as acts of service. I needed help around the house, and when I received it, I felt loved.

But I didn’t receive it as often as I felt I needed it. And when I didn’t receive it often, I felt unseen and devoid of what I was seeking from him. Did he not see how overwhelmed I was? Surely, if he loved me, he would show me by serving me. I felt like I was doing everything all alone, and because he knew what my love language was, I felt even more ignored and neglected.

We talked quite often in our marriage about our love languages. It was always a way for us to measure how good of a spouse we were. The common agreement between both of us was that we tried to show love; however, we often tried to show love in the way we wanted to be loved ourselves. I bought him gifts and tried to serve him in small ways. He tried to show me love through physical touch. Neither of us felt loved. We both just felt unheard.

Eventually, love languages became “proof” of our failing marriage. We accused each other often of neglecting the easiest way to show love to one another. I accepted that anything I wanted to be accomplished in our home, I would need to do on my own. I bought myself everything I wanted. When he stepped outside our marriage to experience his love language from someone else, I blamed myself in some way. Maybe I had pushed him there because I didn’t show him love the way he wanted it shown. Maybe if I had, he wouldn’t have sought love elsewhere. Maybe…

Discovering How I Really Need to be Loved

I thought that the hardest decision I’d ever have to make in my life was when I decided to walk away from my marriage. In reality, the hardest decision was the one I had to make every morning I woke up after walking away from my marriage for those first six months. Divorce threw me down a hole – one that kept going with no sign of a “rock bottom.” It was SO HARD for quite a few months. The term “survival mode” gained a whole new meaning to me during that time. At times, I truly felt like I was fighting for my life. I was suffering from betrayal trauma and PTSD while simultaneously feeling the pressure of being a newly single mom to three young children.

About a year after my divorce was final, I found some of the hope I was seeking. I was at a point where I felt my life was starting to stabilize. I felt safe enough emotionally to start doing deeper work on myself. It was no longer “survival mode.” It was time to start thriving. The hope I found came in the form of a three-day therapy intensive for women who had been betrayed in relationships. The intensive was life-changing. I felt enlightened and empowered in an invigorating way. I learned many valuable lessons – one of which centered around love languages.

One of the topics we covered at this intensive was how to love ourselves and what loving someone else could really look like. I wrote this in my notes.

“My capacity to loving myself is directly connected to how I give love.”

The whole idea is really quite beautiful. When we love ourselves so much and so well, we don’t NEED love from anyone else. We fulfill our needs for love on our own. Our love for ourselves is not dependent on someone else’s opinion or feelings for us. We can learn to love ourselves so much and so well that any love that we receive from anyone else is ABUNDANCE to the love we already feel on our very own. When I honor myself and hold myself in a place of sacredness, I can love from a place of abundance instead of a place from neediness. I can love while expecting absolutely nothing in return.

It all clicked for me when I began to understand this concept. I did this all wrong in my marriage. Instead of allowing my then-husband to love me the way he wanted me to, I was trying to force him into loving me the way I wanted him to. And I did it because I wasn’t fulfilling my own needs of love. I was looking for him to fulfill them for me.

My teacher said something that will always stick with me. She said about loving others:

“Don’t make me love you in a box.”

The acts of showing my love to someone else is a gift to me. It’s a gift to myself to experience how I feel when I show love in ways that I choose. The way it makes me feel to give my abundance of love to someone else, expecting absolutely nothing in return, is liberating. Not needing someone to show me love in a certain way means that I’m free to be loved in ANY LANGUAGE.

My teacher used an analogy to describe what it means to need love. Imagine sending a text to your partner. You decide that you are going to put a great effort into choosing the perfect words to express your love. You spend time crafting a love note that goes into great detail about whatever is on your mind. You can’t wait to read what your partner sends back. You send the text and wait for a response, and you get it. It’s a “thumbs up.” You’re devastated because you wanted your partner to respond in a similar way to your message. You wanted the love note. You question their love for you. You wonder why they didn’t acknowledge your effort. You’re hurt.

Why did you send that text? What need were you trying to fill? Why do you need your partner to fill it? What were you really asking from your partner? Was your real intention in sharing your text to get one in return because you need it? Is sharing your words and your heart not filling your bucket enough?

Think of writing that same text from a place of vulnerability and abundance. Vulnerability is a gift to yourself that allows you to express your emotions and feelings freely, and you can share those feelings when you have an abundance of love to share. When you send that same text coming from this place, you’re doing so with absolutely no expectation of anything in return. You’re doing it to experience your gift of LOVE to your partner. That can be so fulfilling!

How I Apply This In My Life Today

I am happy to report that I have found and experienced love in a whole new way. Interestingly enough, I met my now partner, Josh, just days before my intensive. The timing couldn’t have been more perfect for me to be able to put my new-found theories into practice.

When we met, we were both in a place where we wanted to make changes in our lives. We didn’t want marriages similar to what we experienced before. We wanted better, more meaningful, and deeper connections. We both committed early on in our relationship to make those changes alongside each other, but not for each other.

We have chosen to hold ourselves sacred as individuals first and then as partners next. We have strived to not ask of each other, but instead to support and encourage one another when we have that abundance to give.

We are NOT perfect at this, especially me! I still battle feeling worthy of being loved at times, but I appreciate that Josh doesn’t just step in and try and fix me. He allows me time and space to circle back to what I have learned and sometimes forget – I am worthy of love regardless of anyone else’s actions towards me.

Sometimes, we don’t have any extra love to spare. Going through divorces and figuring out co-parenting takes a lot of intense and exhausting effort at times. We’ve chosen to honor that part of our journey – the part that depletes all of our extra reserves when times are tough. When that happens, we don’t force love when we have none to give. We hold space for each other during these times. We have enough love in ourselves to understand our worthiness of being loved regardless of how much abundance our partner has to share. We have faith in each other to know that when there is no abundance to be had; we can walk alone for a time.

We have talked about love languages. We both decided to throw them out the window – in the traditional sense anyway. We’ve approached how we show our love to one another differently. While we completely recognize that each of the love languages is a great way to show love to one another, we have chosen to reject the idea that we need to show each other love down a list.

What does this look like? Whatever we want it to. If I feel like buying him a new hat, I do. If he wants to fold my laundry for me, he does. If I want to scratch his back, I do. If I want time with him, I plan a date. When I recently started a new job, he complimented me over and over and over. What it doesn’t look like? Labeling efforts as “wrong.” There is no wrong way to express our love.

What does this all mean? That’s the best part. Every time he shows me love, I acknowledge the effort over all else. He’s CHOOSING to share his abundance with me, and whatever way he chooses to do so is a bonus. I try my hardest to have no expectations of how he shows he loves me. By not defining how he “should” love me, I am allowing him to exercise his gift of loving me. I mean, how GOOD does it feel when we show someone love?! How amazing does it feel when we come up with something to do for our partner and execute it perfectly?! How discouraged would we be if our partner rejects our efforts because it’s the “wrong” effort?!

I am so grateful for the lessons I learned. I’m grateful that I can acknowledge the hard truth that I did some things wrong in mty marriage because now I can make necessary changes. I’m so happy that I get to experience loving someone who allows me to love him in any way I choose. My love bucket is OVERFLOWING in abundance most of the time now. In doing the hard work of learning to love me and not need love in return, I have liberated my soul of expectation and allowed myself to recognize love in so many more forms. This is one of the greatest rewards I have learned to recognize on this exhausting and beautiful journey of growth.