So, congratulations!

Just the fact that you’re here looking for third date ideas proves that you can already sense some kind of chemistry between the two of you.

There are great odds of the third date turning into somewhat of a milestone in a budding relationship – so understandably, you don’t want to mess this up at any cost.

I can fully understand your apprehensions, as well as your excitement (been there, done that), so don’t you worry – I have quite a few creative and fun third date ideas up my sleeve that will help you steer your relationship in the right direction.

But before that, let’s talk about the importance of the third date, and why it is imperative that it goes well if you truly wish to see the other person again.

How Important is the Third Date Anyway?

Although the third date is not as nerve-wracking as the first one since both of you have reached a certain level of comfort after seeing each other a couple of times, it is much more important as it helps both of you decide if you’re compatible enough for the long-term.

So if the first date is casual, and the second one crucial, then the third date is definitely critical.

This is why most people believe that the third date is the date that determines whether their relationship aircraft takes off, or nose-dives.

It is a Chance to Reveal the Real You

For a lot of couples, the third date was when they started letting their guards down a bit.

This is because by the third date, you start feeling much more comfortable in each other’s company, so you can allow yourself to be more relaxed and less concerned about impressing your date.

Simply put, this is the time you start showing glimpses of your real self to your partner, and the need for any superficiality fades – no more agreeing to everything the other person is saying, no more excessive smiling, and no more faking interest in something that you actually hate doing.

So if you’ve told your date ‘I love bungee jumping too!’ when in reality you are terrified of heights, this is the time to come clean.

Or else, be prepared for an extremely awkward situation if they choose to ask you more about your bungee jumping adventures!

Of course, it would be even better to be upfront to begin with, so please do consider that the next time you go on your first date. There’s nothing wrong with being yourself to begin with. After all, this is one of the green lights to look for in your date.

It is a Chance to Get to Know the Other Person Better

If you’re anything like my husband and I, your third date won’t be confined to a café or some fancy restaurant.

There are tons of interesting things to do on your third date (we’ll get talking about them in just a bit) since you probably already know each other’s hobbies by now and can mutually decide on doing something that interests you both.

Getting involved in an activity that both of you enjoy is a great way of getting to know each other. If you make an effort to be honest and open in your discussions, the other person will also feel encouraged to be their real self with you.

And if you’re both hoping for something long-term, then this openness and honesty is extremely crucial right from the start.

Helps You Know Where You Stand in Terms of Compatibility

The fact that you’re on your third date already proves that both of you are at least fairly compatible with each other.

The third date is the perfect time to go a step further, and determine if this compatibility is strong enough to get into the real deal.

A great way to ascertain that would be to notice how the conversation between the two of you is flowing. Does it feel too forced at times? Are there too many awkward pauses?

If yes, then maybe you need to sit back and reconsider if the other person is also looking for the same thing out of this relationship as you, or not.

If, on the other hand, your conversation seems to flow naturally, and you both genuinely seem to enjoy each other’s company, it might be the sign of a promising future.

Perfect Time to Get a Little Intimate (If You Wish)

Although there are no fixed rules regarding when to introduce a bit of intimacy into a relationship, the third date is considered a good start.

Please note that I said ‘a bit of intimacy’ here, so while upping the ante when it comes to getting flirty with each other is okay, I do not suggest going all the way (you know what I mean, right?).

This is because I feel that it is a good idea to wait until there is some more emotional investment into the relationship from both sides.

However, if you guys feel comfortable enough to take things to the next level, go ahead! Who knows you might just discover that you are much more compatible with each other than you previously believed!

As for what ‘a bit of intimacy’ means – well, I think swapping fleeting kisses for longer, lingering ones would be a good example.

Now, it is important to note here that just because it is your third date does not mean that you have to indulge in some kind of intimate act. If you guys are not yet feeling that spark in your relationship, it is best to wait and give it some time.

Gives You an Idea of Where the Relationship is Headed

By the time the third date gets over, you both have a clear idea whether it is going to work or not.

If the chuckles get replaced by full-on belly laughs, if the goodbye kiss turns much more passionate than just a peck on the cheek, if both of you have already planned when and where to meet next, if you guys were smiling from ear-to-ear for the most part – these are all signs that your relationship is growing in the right direction.

Of course, it could also end up in a not-so-pleasant way. Maybe you guys discover that you don’t have too much in common or that you’re both expecting different things out of the relationship.

In either case, it is best to be open about how you feel and also encourage your partner to voice their opinion. Remember that honesty is the best policy when it comes to relationships. There’s nothing wrong in ending a relationship that is not mutually working.

Some Third Date Goals You Should Strive For

We’ve already established that the third date is pretty crucial since it can mark the beginning of a new relationship. So it is best you give it the importance it deserves.

Here are a few third date goals you should aim for if you want things to turn serious between the two of you:

• Make sure both of you are on the same page when it comes to what you’re looking for in the relationship. If one of you is in it just for fun, while the other is expecting long-term bonding, things might take an ugly turn in the future.
• You have decided to see this person not once, not twice, but three times. And ditto for them! So there must be something about them that makes you want to see them again and again. Talk about what you like in your partner and encourage them to do the same. This will help you both connect at a deeper level (or learn the connection isn’t as mutual as you thought).
• Okay, you enjoy each other’s company. But is there some physical attraction too? The best way to find that out is by trying to get a little intimate. Of course, this should happen only if both the partners feel comfortable enough.
• By the third date, you should know how compatible your partner is with you. Do you share the same values? Do both of you have some common hobbies? Are you both animal lovers? Do you both believe in staying fit and healthy? Are you both family-oriented? Do you love your jobs?
• Every person drops clues regarding their true personality once they start getting a little comfortable with you. Keep your eyes and ears open for such clues. I am not asking you to go into detective-mode, but being a little alert will help you ascertain what kind of a person your date is and if they really are a good match for you long-term.

25+ Third Date Ideas for Building Your Relationship Strength

So now that you know pretty much everything there is to know about third dates, let us talk about some brilliant, out-of-the-box, third date ideas that will strengthen your budding relationship:

1. Attend a Cooking Class

Probably your first and second dates also revolved around food, but hey, who doesn’t love food? Moreover, this time around you’ll not just be eating it, but learning how to cook it too.

So find a good cooking class, and learn to cook something that you both love eating but don’t know how to prepare. My husband and I learnt how to make sushi on our third date, and it is still one of the tastiest things he prepares (in case you’re wondering, I am culinarily challenged).

Cooking together can be an awesome team building experience and is a great way to keep the conversation flowing organically.

If you want to make the experience a little more intimate, you can invite your date home. Together you two can look something up on YouTube’s cooking channels, and then put your culinary skills to the test by recreating it in the kitchen.

2. Go on a Nature Trail

This can be a wonderful idea if you had your first two dates in noisy cafes, or restaurants. Find a nature trail near your city, pack your lunch or grab some takeaway, and get lost in nature.

There is something about being in nature that is extremely therapeutic. Just being there in each other’s company as you hear the sounds of the wind rustling the leaves, or the waves crashing on the rocks can be very romantic.

Also, since it is just the two of you, you can take this as an opportunity to talk with each other to your heart’s content.

3. Play a Sport

Another great third date idea is to play a sport together. You can mutually decide on something that both of you enjoy, and then choose a local park or community center to play the sport.

Just remember one thing though – being competitive is good, but not when the person you’re competing against is the one you wish to see again and possibly spend the rest of your life with.

Also, if one of you is not sporty enough, you can choose to get involved in some activity that is not too physically straining, but fun nevertheless – like maybe bowling or go-karting.

4. Go Swimming

Visit the beach or just head to the nearest swimming pool. This way, you get to spend time together in the great outdoors, and also an opportunity to check each other out in swimsuits for the first time!

This definitely helps enhance the level of intimacy between the two of you.

5. Volunteer

When you’re just getting to know a person, spending time with them doing an activity that is supposed to bring out their kinder side can be a great way of understanding their true nature.

During our early days of dating, my husband and I decided to volunteer at the local animal shelter (it was his idea, by the way). The way those animals instantly recognized him and the love that he showered on them, spoke volumes about his compassionate nature.

Needless to say, that day I felt more attracted to him than ever before!

6. A Trip to the Amusement Park

You can never go wrong with this one. A third date at the amusement park means you have tons of time to discover how adventurous your date is and how totally gorgeous they look when they’re laughing with abandon.

An added bonus is that you’ll have someone to keep you company as you wait for your turn in the queue. Also, you get to experience little intimate moments, like both of you holding hands tightly as the roller coaster plunges.

7. Go Boating

No matter where you live, you will have either the sea, a lake, or a river nearby. This gives you a fantastic opportunity to plan your third date on water.

You can simply rent a paddle boat, or if you’re up to splurging a bit, take your date on a yacht to spend some quality time together. There is something magical about being surrounded by serene water, with just your partner to keep you company.

8. Dance Night

A dance night is anything but boring, but you should do it only if both of you are comfortable enough with the idea. This is because dancing involves quite a bit of physical contact, especially if you have salsa on mind.

And if you truly want your third date to be special, I highly recommend skipping the noisy bars and taking your date to a restaurant that has a nice dance floor.

Dancing can be a terrific bonding experience, so make sure you’re focusing a little less on your moves and more on the person swinging and twirling with you.

9. Go for a Long Drive

Most probably, your first and second dates were at public places, so going for a long drive with your partner on the third date is a fantastic way of taking things forward.

It is as if you’re quietly letting each other know that you’re ready to meet privately.

You can head to some scenic point where you can watch the sunset together. Or maybe you can just sit under the stars for a while and indulge in some star-gazing. The entire experience will be utterly romantic, and you can easily round it off with some kind of physical intimacy (read, hugging and kissing).

10. Trip to a Candy Store

Want to make your third date super sweet? Like, literally?

Well, head to your city’s popular candy store, and go candy tasting (yes, that is a thing, just like wine tasting)! Have fun trying out new, crazy flavors. I found out on one such date that chocolate and mushroom is a lethal combination!

If you’re not too big on candies, you can go to an ice-cream parlor and splurge on fancy ice-cream sundaes.

11. Listen to Your Favorite Bands, from Home

As a couple, you’re on your third date – so there should no longer be the pressure to constantly talk to each other. In fact, this is the ideal time to take a break from talking and indulge in some listening.

So a wonderful third date idea would be to enjoy live music, right from the comfort of your home. This would give you the much needed privacy, and would also help you bond over music.

You can head to Bandsintown to enjoy some amazing live music from your favorite artists.

12. Get Artsy

By the third date, chances are you already know what your partner prefers when it comes to art. If your tastes match, you can plan a trip to an art gallery, or a museum.

Or maybe you can plan to attend a symphony orchestra concert, if that is what you prefer.

13. Visit a Nursery

There is something deeply romantic about the sight of blooming flowers, so taking your partner to a plant nursery on the third date is a terrific idea. You can just roam about, smell the roses and the pansies, and admire the beautiful greens all around.

This will give you guys a chance to relax and chill in each other’s company and indulge in some casual chit-chat.

What’s more, you can also choose to adopt a houseplant that will remind you of the beautiful time spent together.

14. Plan a Movie Night

I know, I know – this third date idea is perhaps on every other list on the Internet, but you can surely make the best out of it by adding your own creative touches.

For instance, instead of doing the whole ‘Netflix and Chill’ routine, you can choose to watch a documentary on a topic that interests both of you (make sure it is not too heavy though). This will lead to mentally stimulating conversations, and will also help you get to know your partner better.

You could even start a trend and have a date based on a movie from each decade!

15. Walk and Talk

Every city has some hidden gems that most of the public has no clue about. Take out some time to find those cool places in your city, and then set out to explore them – on foot.

Believe me, acting like tourists in your own city is super fun. And when you have your potential someone special to keep you company, the fun quotient just multiplies.

We’d suggest looking for street performers to combine this idea with idea 11.

16. Head to the Local Farmer’s Market

This might not be one of those conventional places to take your partner to on your third date, but I can guarantee it will be an experience both of you will fondly remember for years to come.

Also, shopping for veggies and fruits together gives you that “we’re a couple” kind of feel, and you can even opt to cook a meal together later in the day with all the fresh stuff you buy.

If it’s spring season, here are 54 other spring date ideas you could consider.

17. Play the Question Game

If you feel that you still don’t know as much about each other as you should by the third date, playing the question game can be a fun way to get your answers.

This will also give you a chance to find out how compatible you are with each other.

18. A Breakfast Date

If you ask me, dinner dates are kind of overrated.

Breakfast dates can be ultra cool and fun; don’t believe anyone who tells you otherwise! This third date idea is particularly awesome for people who are early risers and who love to have a hearty breakfast (read choco-filled pancakes, waffles, French toast, bagels, cinnamon rolls, and avocado sandwiches) to kickstart their day.

19. Coffee Shop Crawl

Just like dinner dates, food crawls are also frequently over-done.

If both of you are coffeeholics who need to have their caffeine fix before they can take on the world, why not do a coffee shop crawl instead! You can mutually decide which coffee shop to start with and then spend the rest of the day hopping from one coffee-haven to another.

Pro Tip: Don’t forget to try out some lip-smacking pastries these coffee shops offer. And don’t spend too much time at one place; it is meant to be a coffee shop crawl, after all.

20. Window Shopping

There are few things that can be as enjoyable as shopping – but who said anything about spending a dime!

You can choose to go to window shopping on your third date, and believe me, it can be just as much fun as the real thing. Head to your local flea market, or some fancy mall in the city – depending on your mood.

Act like tourists, cruise through the shops, and if you actually do find something that’s worth buying, I am not stopping you!

21. Walk your Dogs Together

If both of you are dog parents, walking your darling pets together can be a terrific third date idea.

Not only will this give an opportunity to your furry buddies to get acquainted with each other, this will also help you two relax in each other’s company in a stress-free environment.

We have a few other dog date ideas you could try out too.

22. Board Games, Anyone?

Nothing screams retro fun more than board games like Monopoly, or Snakes and Ladders, or Scrabble.

You can invite your date over for a board game night and make it a bit more special by keeping some snacks and fizzy drinks handy. Board games are an excellent way to relax and unwind – you will no longer feel the pressure to put your best foot forward.

In such a fun, carefree environment, conversations flow freely, and you get a chance to know your partner better.

23. A Roof Deck Date Night

Not everybody lives in a penthouse that offers a stunning view of the city’s skyline. But even if your apartment has a roof deck, that’s more than enough to enjoy some cozy time with your partner on the third date.

You can bring out your blankets and pillows, grab some comfort food, and get ready to chillax with your date as the sun prepares to bid adieu to the day, splattering the sky with beautiful hues of pink, orange, and red.

To make the moment even more magical, go get a small Bluetooth speaker and play some romantic music on it.

24. Trivia Night

This is your third date, and by this time, you already have some idea of your partner’s likes and dislikes. Keeping that in mind, you can select the theme of the trivia night so that both of you can comfortably participate in it.

Pro Tip: Make sure you’re both on the same side if you want to see how good you are as a team.

25. Share Your Skill

Another great way to bond with your partner would be to introduce them to a skill that you’re good at.

It could be cooking, painting, pottery, playing the guitar, or even a video game that you’re excellent at. Show them how you do it, and then encourage them to try it out too. This will be a wonderful bonding experience, and will give your potential love interest a better understanding of who you are as a person.

26. Photo Booth

Yes, I know it is just your third date, but isn’t it sensible to start making memories right from the very beginning?

So if you were too shy, or awkward to click pictures together on your first and second dates, go that extra mile on your third date, and hit the photo booth. To make things even more fun, you can choose to take some quirky props along.

If you’d rather something more professional looking, we have some great advice on how to host your own couples photoshoot without a photographer.

Third Date Ideas to Get Comfortable With Each Other

Third dates are less about impressing the other person, and more about getting comfortable in each other’s company. The above listed third date ideas can be a great way to build chemistry and help discover new things about your date.

Remember that most of the time, it is the thought and the effort you put into the date that matters more to your partner than the money you spend.

What was your favorite third date, or which of these ideas are you looking forward to trying out? Let us know in the comments below. If you enjoyed this article, please share on social media using the buttons below and sign-up for our newsletter to receive advice straight in your inbox.

If you aren’t a beginner and want to jump straight to the relationship tarot spreads, you can do so here:

Relationship Tarot Spreads

• One Card Relationship Tarot Spread For Singles
• Three Card Tarot Spread for Relationship Potential
• Five Card Relationship Tarot Spread for Marriage Check-Up
• Seven Card Tarot Spread for Improving Relationships

March is here! The grass is turning green, the snow is vanishing, and the tulips are blooming!

Do you know what else is blooming? That’s right, relationships and romance!

What else does that mean for you? You can grow your relationship or yourself to attract the partner that leaves you hot and bothered when you wake up from dreaming!

A wonderful way to enhance your life is to consult the tarot. A tarot reading for relationships gives you an in-depth look at what’s happening beneath the surface. It gives you a solution to what is going on that you and your special someone may not have realized before.

Does the idea of tarot make you queasy with curiosity?

Well, let’s not sit around the table staring at the tarot deck.

Without further ado, let’s get into the mysterious and empowering world of the tarot.

WARNING: This article may trigger the impulse to buy every deck possible! Before reading any further please make sure you have hidden all debit and credit cards.

Table of contents:

What Are Tarot Decks?

You have seen them shuffling all over social media, but what are tarot cards?

Tarot decks are made up of 78 cards that provide spiritual and intuitive insight into what is going on in your life and relationships. Contrary to what some may believe, tarot is NOT a tool to predict the future in the way you may think.

Tarot decks are made up of 22 major arcana cards, 56 minor arcana cards, and 16 court cards.

The 22 Major arcana cards relate to your large life lessons.

The 56 minor arcana cards relate to daily life lessons. These cards can change from day today.

The 16 court cards relate to people, situations, and levels of maturity in your life.

We’ll go into a deeper look at the tarot in the next sections.

How Does Tarot Work?

When you or your partner consult the cards, a few whimsical things happen. The first one happens while you shuffle; the tarot connects to your energy of the past and present. The next amazing occurrence is when you intuitively download guidance from your spirit guides as you decipher the cards. The third occurrence happens when you combine the core meanings of the tarot and the guidance you download from source.

Putting it all together, tarot absorbs the energy of your situation or relationship, and when you pull the cards, the tarot acts as a mirror. This brings energy blockages and past traumas to the surface so that you can heal and move forward.

Tarot also shows where things need improvement in order to bloom, such as in your relationship or work you or your partner need to do on yourselves in order to be able to contribute equal energy into the relationship.

Think of your relationship like a car, and tarot is the mechanic. Tarot provides empowering information on how you can fix or improve your relationship.

Common Myths About Tarot

You most likely have some questions about tarot.

While the media is getting better at accurately portraying tarot readings and how tarot can positively affect a relationship there is still Hollywood hype.

1. Is tarot evil?

This is one of the most common myths. Tarot is NOT evil; it does not bring bad luck into your life to read tarot. Tarot cards are essentially playing cards, and the messages are interpreted differently by everyone as we are all unique channels of divine messages.

2. “You can only read tarot if you’re born with “magical blood.”

Another myth! Anyone has the ability to learn tarot. That’s what makes it so special! You and your partner can read tarot side by side and still get a different reading! If you meet someone who says that you cannot read tarot unless it’s in your blood, pay no attention to them. This is something called “gatekeeping,” and it’s non-spiritual folk trying to keep the spiritual people out.

3. “Tarot Must Be Gifted ONLY. You can’t buy your own deck.”

FALSE! If this was the case there wouldn’t be tarot deck creators and tarot readers. Or, there wouldn’t be as many of them! It may even be a better idea to buy your own deck since your own energy is behind it already! Sometimes family or friends will give us a deck, and we have no connection with it because it’s not aligned with our individuality. After all, who knows you better than yourself?

4. The death card is bad in a reading, especially a love reading.

Not true! In fact, death is symbolic of change and transformation. It can signify the growth of the relationship or person or show what the person needs to let go of. We’ll talk more about an in-depth discussion of the death tarot card in the next section.

5. “You’ll ruin your life if you give yourself a tarot reading.”

Okay, so maybe the belief is not as dramatic as that. However, no matter what people may think reading tarot will not disturb or harm your life.

Now there is ONE exception:

Never rely on tarot to tell you what to do 100% of your life or relationship.

You need to understand, tarot readings for relationships or love are meant to be a guide. They are not meant to direct your life 100% of the time.

There comes a point when you must learn to absorb the digestive information that tarot readings provide and trust your inner direction to choose the path to go on.

6. MYTH – Tarot Readings Can Be Used to Diagnose Medical Conditions.

This should be taken very seriously.

Tarot readings DO NOT replace the care of a medical, legal, therapist, or other professional.

Set aside all of the spiritual woo and you have beautiful pieces of paper that make up a 78 card deck. This deck did not go to medical school or have training in medical care. Therefore, if you or your partner are having serious issues that require a medical professional, please seek appropriate help. Do NOT consult the tarot.

7. Tarot can 100% Predict the Future.

Not true! Tarot is like a map that can guide you to getting to your desired destination in life and love. However, you are still at free will to take the advice of tarot readings or not.

A Brief History of Tarot

Before you get into the healing dimensions of tarot readings for relationships, it is a good idea to learn about how tarot was born!

The Birth of Tarot in France and Italy Through Playing Cards

Our tarot descendants have been documented as far back as the 14th century, where, In Europe, creators designed the original playing cards.

The cards were made for the sole purpose of card games, using the four different suits of staves or swords, sticks or wands, chalices or cups, and discs or pentacles. These suits are the same as what they are commonly called in tarot today.

In the mid 14th century, Italian painters began to create immensely elaborate cards that expanded the original set of playing cards. These cards were deemed trump or triumph cards. Their purpose was to portray extravagant and abundant families.

People who held a high position in society hired Italian creatives to paint cards after their friends and families. Doing so gave them a completely customized deck to pass down as family heirlooms.

Unfortunately, at this time, these family heirlooms were not able to be owned by everyone. In fact, unless you were rich you could not have a deck made for your family.

Centuries down the line, the first printer press shops were born and playing cards became an affordable option for all.

If you’d like to see examples of some of the first playing and tarot decks ever created, click here.

The Start of Tarot and Divination

The birth of tarot being used as a divination tool is recorded as far back as the 16th century and 17th century. But, it was also believed reading tarot in divination terms was not as complex as we read tarot today.

It wasn’t until the 18th century that the meanings and symbolism had begun being assigned to each card. This also included instructions as to how to lay the cards out for readings.

Tarot & Kabbalah

The first, popular modern tarot deck was titled “Marseille Tarot.” If you browse on Amazon or eBay it is still available for purchase today.

In 1781, Protestant minister Antoine Court De Gebelin produced an intense observation of the tarot titled Le Monde Primitif (“The Primitive World”). In his work, he exposes that the meaning of tarot originates from the ancient wisdom of Egyptian Priests. If you read French, you can read the entire text here.

He continues to outline how this sacred wisdom was delivered to the Catholic Church. From here, the Catholic Church tried to silence the ancient knowledge.

In De Gebelin’s essay, he shows how the definitions of each card can be traced back to ancient Egyptian Gods such as Isis and Osiris.

The biggest setback to De Gelin’s work is a lack of concrete proof that any of the claims are indeed true.

French occultist Jean-Baptiste Alliette, also known by the pseudonym Etteila, created the first tarot deck that was designed for divination purposes. Prior to his tarot deck debut, Alliette created a guidebook in 1785 for tarot on how to use it for divination based on De Gebelin’s work, titled Manière de Se Récréer Avec Le Jeu de Cartes Nommées Tarots (“How to Entertain Yourself With the Deck of Cards Called Tarot”).

You can see Etteila’s divination spread in the previous section.

As ethereal awareness grew following the explosive introduction of tarot, it became closely connected to the Kabbalah as well as hermetic mysticism.

When the Victorian Era emerged, tarot readings became a beloved hobby of the wealthy. It was common to witness extravagant parties where tarot and other divination such as tea readings took place as the main sources of entertainment.

The Birth of the Rider-Waite Tarot Deck

You’ve probably seen this deck used by many tarot readers today as it is arguable the most popular tarot deck.

Hermetic Order of the Golden Dawn members Arthur Waite and Pamela Colman Smith created the first Rider-Waite deck in 1909.

Arthur Waite and Pamela Colman combined the art of the first fully illustrated 78 card tarot deck, Sola Busca tarot (Italian artwork), with Colman’s unique paintings.

Colman was the first artist to create characters that aligned with the suits of tarot.

This is how the beloved Rider-Waite tarot was born!

Tarot Today

Over a century later, tarot has prospered into a cherished practice to raise your vibrations, enhance your spiritual growth, overcome trauma, and improve your relationships and love life!

In fact, there are thousands of tarot decks as the expansion of the tarot flourishes. With this massive boom in the spiritual and even the traditional psychiatry fields, more artists are stepping forward and creating decks almost daily!

That means that you are fated to find a deck that aligns with your personality!

The In-Depth Guide to Tarot Meanings

Now that you have had a deeper look at the history of tarot, it’s time to take a look at the meanings. For the sake of avoiding mass confusion, each description will be very simply described and include a question that you can answer in your tarot journal (we’ll talk about that more in the future sections).

The Major Arcana

The first 22 cards that we are going to cover in the massive 78 card tarot deck are the major arcana cards. These cards play a very significant role in your life. Often, they are believed to be the vital lessons we agreed to learn in our life right before we were reincarnated into our present life.

The major arcana is split into three groups of tarot cards.

The first group of major arcana cards is associated with your connection with the material world and issues that are associated with them. These include: finances, marriage, education, and career success

The First Group of Major Arcana Cards

0. The Fool

The fool card is often depicted as a person about to walk off a cliff with a bag lifted over their shoulders.

The fool represents an awakening, or a new path, when it is in the upright position.

However, if you pull the fool card and it is reversed, it is asking you to look before you jump off the cliff. You may need to examine all options in a situation or relationship before you make a decision.

Question: What path will you take next?

1. The Magician

On the magician card, a man is often dressed in a robe attire. Standing before an altar, they stand tall raising one arm with a wand pointed at the sky.

The magician symbolizes knowing that you are in control of your destiny and relationship when upright. It can also signify learning that you are the only person that can change your life.

When the magician is in reverse, it can portray someone dissuaded by the illusion of perfection. They are often worried about living up to everyone’s expectations rather than focusing inward to live up to their own.

Question: How can you take control of your relationship or situation?

2. The High Priestess

The high priestess card depicts a person donned in a robe with a cross on it. Sitting in front of a field of sunflowers, the high priestess card speaks of a lesson that can only be learned through experience.

The high priestess tells about spiritual enlightenment.

In reverse, the high priestess speaks of someone who is either running from a spiritual experience or in need of spiritual awakening.

Question: What spiritual lessons am I learning? What spiritual lessons do I need to learn?

3. The Empress

On the empress card, a motherly figure resides on her comfy chair while holding her wand up.

The Empress represents fertility, birth, finances, and abundance.

In reverse, the Empress card represents a lack of abundance, creativity, or a lack in growth.

Question: What needs to grow in my life?

4. The Emperor

The emperor card features a stern-faced male sitting on his throne representing order and authority.

The emperor reminds us that we need order and structure in our life to live our most freeing life.

In reverse, it may signify a need to get back on track with your goals, or relationships.

Question: Where do I need order in my life/relationship?

5. The Hierophant

On the hierophant card, a man which looks similar to the high priestess card sits donned in a chair with a cross in his hand.

The hierophant talks about ritual and ceremony in a community rather than solitary such as in the high priestess card.

In reverse, the hierophant can signify needing to come out of isolation and connect with your community.

Question: How can I connect with my community as a whole? What community should I look at and connect with to come out of isolation?

6. The Lovers

The lovers card features a woman and man staring at each other while a guardian angel watches over them.

While the lover’s card may sound like a romance card, it is instead symbolic of a choice you have made that makes your heart leap with joy. The lovers can also symbolize a need for balance between your emotions, nurturing, and romantic side (feminine) and your order and structural side (masculine).

In reverse, the lover’s card urges you to revisit a choice you made in a situation.

Question: Are the choices I’m making bringing me joy? Do I need to revisit a decision?

7. The Chariot

On the chariot card, a man is depicted moving along in a coach driven by two sphinxes. The chariot card is a card of movement.

It can be moving on from what no longer serves you, a vacation, or can hint at a pregnancy especially if the empress card is pulled as a clarifier (a card that offers deeper insight into an already drawn tarot card).

In reverse, the chariot can symbolize needing to move on, whether that be from a relationship or a situation no longer serving your best interest.

Question: What do I need to move on from? What is my next path to navigate?

The Second Group of Major Arcana Cards

The second group of Major Arcana cards relates to the propensity to transform. Please note, changes are great even if they may not appear like it at the moment.

8. Strength

A man is holding the mouth of a lion wide open. This card is often feared but it should not be.

In an upright position, the strength card represents the ability to balance material desires with spiritual confidence. In other words, manifesting or knowing that you can gain anything you want and the universe has your back.

In reverse, the strength card signifies holding onto material possessions and a lack of spiritual faith.

Question: How can I expand my spiritual faith?

9. The Hermit

A wise man stares at the lantern in his hand. In his other hand, a tall stick helps him to stand balanced while atop a mountain.

The hermit reminds you to look within.

When we are ready, we can access this in-depth, spiritual wisdom that holds the key to who we are.

The hermit in reverse signifies someone who is not listening to the wisdom of their inner temples.

Question: Who was I? What wisdom resides in me from my past life?

10. The Wheel of Fortune

A wheel with a plethora of symbols and sigils rotates in the sky surrounded by four clouds with angels in the clouds.

The wheel of fortune card is a card of earned luck. The wheel of fortune speaks about the ability to create our own good luck by making conscious choices. To draw this card is good luck that has been earned through hard work.

The wheel of fortune in reverse signifies the need to change your course. You are bored and your life has become stagnant. It’s time to redirect your path and make a change.

Question: How can I make decisions that are in my best interest in order to change my luck?

11. Justice

A person resembling a judge sits on a throne with a sword in his hand.

The justice card does not only talk about success in legal matters, but rather, the justice card represents karma in life. We cannot have our ups without our downs. On the flip side, we cannot have our downs with our ups.

When upright, the justice card represents learning a lesson with karma on your side.

In reverse, justice represents needing to learn a lesson you are missing.

Question: What karmic lessons am I being shown to improve my well-being?

12. The Hanged Man

A man is hanging upside down in the air.

The hanged man upright represents taking time to pause and be in the moment. Now isn’t the time to act.

In reverse, the hanged man represents needing to let go of what is no longer serving you so that you can change your perspective. Doing so will help you navigate along your journey.

Question: What needs surrendering?

13. Death

The death card is often feared because of superstitions surrounding it. Please do not fear this card. In fact, the death card has very little to do with physical death.

A skeleton-faced man in armor perches on a horse with a flag in his hands.

The death card represents change; you are entering a new cycle of life by closing a door that has been long due to shut.

In reverse, the death card warns you that you need to cut ties with people or things no longer serving you.

Question: What do I need to let go of? Where should I look next?

14. Temperance

An angel stands in a calm, cool river. In the angel’s hands are two chalices in which water is being transferred between them.

The temperance card reminds us that we can dream all day long. But, if we never take action to pursue our dreams, they will only be fantasies.

In reverse, the temperance card is asking you to quit daydreaming and start taking physical steps to manifest your wishes.

Question: What do I need to do to make my dream become my reality?

The Third Group of Major Arcana Cards

The final group of the major arcana cards brings cards of intuitive transformation.

15. The Devil

This is another card that is often mistaken for being an “evil” card. But this is not the case. In fact, the devil card can be a card of freedom.

A horned man sits on his ungodly throne, chaining two people to each other and to him.

The devil card speaks of cords we need to cut. There are toxic people or things that are holding us hostage and we need to set ourselves free.

In reverse, the devil card speaks of being unwilling to change. You are chasing the same carousel, and the results are going to continue in this vicious cycle. It’s time to step off the merry-go-round. Aren’t you getting dizzy?

Question: What do I need to release that’s toxic? What patterns are unhealthy in my life?

16. The Tower

The poles that make the top of the tower are coming crashing down and fast! This is a card of chaos.

The tower represents sudden change. This can be a divorce, a relationship ending, a pregnancy, or even a job loss.

In reverse, the tower card represents a happy change but only if you are willing to pay a high ticket price.

Question: What is changing that is out of my control?

17. The Star

A lovely nude woman is pouring water into a pond while pouring water onto the grass near her feet.

The star is a card of hope, enlightenment, and needing to remain calm among chaos for the truth shall come to the surface.

In reverse, the star card represents negativity. It may represent someone who feels like everyone and everything that happens in their life is out to get them.

Question: What am I waiting for? What do I need to wait for that’s coming to the surface?

18. The Moon

A beautiful full moon is clear as the light of day. Two dogs/wolves are howling at the moon.

The moon may represent psychic abilities coming to surface. It can also represent needing to rely on your instinct about a situation. Things may not be as wonderful as they seem. The moon can also represent infidelity and cheating.

In reverse, the moon card signifies needing to listen to your gut more. You need to let go of self-doubt and listen to the intuitive voice within.

Question: What are my psychic abilities trying to tell me?

19. The Sun

A child clad in his birthday suit sits upon his noble steed. The sunflowers are large and beautiful, and the sun is shining. What more could someone want?!

The sun card represents joy, contentment, and satisfaction.

In reverse, the sun card can represent misery, anger, and even depression. You may need to change your attitude if you want to see the sun.

Question: What joys await me? What am I grateful for?

20. Judgment

On the judgment card, an angel is having a mini-concert with several of their closest friends.

This card represents a massive awakening and growth that you have finally conquered.

In reverse, the card represents a person that is against long-term relationships or someone who is full of fear.

Question: What awakening have I undergone? What awakening do I need to undergo?

21. The World

A large circle encases a person who has a baton.

The world card represents success! It celebrates with us that something we have been working for, or wanting, is about to come into our life!

In reverse, the world card shows success can be achieved, but you must be willing to move on first.

Question: What am I celebrating? What do I need to do to move on?

The Minor Arcana

The minor arcana consists of 56 cards which give advice about how to approach our day. These cards differ as each passing day changes.

The Four Suits of the Minor Arcana

Each of the four suits represents a different aspect of our daily lives:

• Cups (Water Element): Emotions, relationships to others, and the self.
• Wands (Fire Element): Energy, motivation, inspiration.
• Swords (Air Element): Communication, mindset.
• Pentacles (Earth Element): Home, finances, career, family, education.

The Numbers of the Minor Arcana

Unlike the major arcana which typically has a distinct person on each card, the minor arcana varies greatly. For the sake of not overloading your brain with the myriad of card designs, we are going to focus on each number.

• Ones: Beginnings or sendings.
• Twos: Balance, or lack of.
• Threes: Expansion, or lack of, celebrations.
• Fours: Hoarding, dissociation, fear of scarcity, rest.
• Fives: Conflicts, or solving conflicts.
• Sixes: Memories, victories, abundance.
• Sevens: Too many choices, needing to make a choice, secrets, defensiveness, needing to stand up for yourself.
• Eights: Overwhelmed, stuck in a situation brought on by the self, needing to look deep within, fast-moving.
• Nines: Preparing, manifesting, satisfaction, anxiety, worry.
• Tens: Finality, Abundance, career success, promotion, business is booming, happy relationships.

The Court Cards of the Minor Arcana

Many people dread the court cards because they look intimidating. But with this simple guide, you’ll be reading the court cards faster than one-day shipping on that new deck you’ve ordered!

• Pages: The pages in the court cards represent child-like wonder, immaturity, impulsiveness, creativity, and observations. Think of the pages as a baby or child.
• Knights: The knights represent action or lack of action. Think of the knights as unruly teenagers.
• Queens: The queens stand for nurturing, and motherly energies. The queens may want you to nurture or heal a part of your life that needs growth. Think of the queens as a wise, older woman who sees you as their daughter or son.
• Kings: The Kings in the court cards represent observing all obstacles, paths, and options before making a choice. They challenge you to make a choice that will benefit both you and your partner for your greatest good. Think of the kings as orderly scholars. They are masters of the suits and can help you to reach mastery level at whatever it is you’re trying to improve on in your life.

• The Court Cards in the Suit of Cups

The court cards in the suit of cards represent a person, or an aspect of yourself or the person you are reading about. Remember that this aspect or person has a connection to emotions and feelings that you may have.

• The Court Cards in the Suit of Swords

The court cards in the suit of swords pertain to a person or aspect in relation to communication or mindset.

• The Court Cards in the Suit of Pentacles

The court cards in the suit of pentacles represent a person or aspect that relates to family, money, abundance, career, and education.

• The Court Cards in the Suit of Wands

The court cards in the suit of wands relate to a person or aspect of your life in connection to energy, motivation, or willpower.

How to Read Tarot For Relationships

The first step to reading tarot for relationships is selecting a tarot deck. You may want to consider a relationship-themed tarot deck, such as the the Crystal Visions Tarot by Jennifer Galasso and The Enchanted Love Tarot by Amy Zerner and Monte Farber. If you are not able to obtain a romance-themed tarot card deck, that’s okay too! The Rider-Waite deck will do!

Storing Your Tarot Deck

You should either keep the deck in its original box when not in use, or you can keep your tarot deck wrapped safely in a scarf and pouch of your choice. Be sure the pouch will fit your deck otherwise you may risk tearing the cards..

When you are using the deck, it should be kept in a clean, soft scarf and a bag. The scarf and bag do not have to be anything expensive. A simple bandana that has been washed and a pencil bag will do.

Be sure to add a quartz and amethyst crystal to keep the energy protected and cleaned when not in use.

You can also opt for selenite, but be careful not to get selenite wet as it will dissolve.

Cleansing Your Tarot Deck

Before you begin to work with your chosen deck, you need to cleanse it of any previous energies that may have handled it.

To cleanse a new deck that you either bought at a store or online, you can just knock two to three times on it to clear the energy.

You can also place a tarot deck inside a plastic bag and place it in pink Himalayan salt for 24 hours.

If you don’t have salt, you can also purchase an incense or smudge stick. Carefully run each card through the smoke while visualizing the energy clearing.

It is also recommended to cleanse your deck using these same methods before and after every tarot reading.

If your deck came from someone and you aren’t sure if they have ever used the deck, you may want to leave the deck in a plastic bag in Himalayan salt for an entire month, following the moon cycles. This is a deep clean of your tarot deck.

Bonding With Your Deck

Some people say it isn’t necessary, but you want to consider getting to know your tarot deck’s energy.

To do this, simply place the deck under your pillow for two weeks and leave it in the pillowcase (except for when you are cleaning your sheets). During those two weeks make it a point to read the guide. Do this once each of the two weeks or more if you feel drawn to do it.

Remember, the guidebook is only a guide. It is NOT meant to be used as a crutch during your readings.

We’ll go over simple ways to enhance your intuition every day. Using your own intuition and not the guidebook will also help you trust yourself more, thus, allowing you to pick up readings quicker and with improved clarity.

Easy Ways to Open Your Intuition

1. Yoga– simple yoga poses will not only help you to destress, but they will also help you strengthen your intuition.
2. Meditation– you don’t have to spend a long time meditating. In fact, spending five minutes out in nature in a disturbance (and electronic)-free area can help you ground and strengthen your intuition

If you are not able to get outdoors you can also set aside a room of your choice and use it for tarot readings and intuitive development.

Aside from meditation, you can also purchase books on your device or any bookstore that will help you develop your intuition. It is best to begin with a book for beginners. These techniques tend to be simple and easy to tailor to your needs.

Now that you have read the guide; bought, cleansed, and bonded with your deck; and opened your intuition, it is time to delve into the relationship tarot spreads.

Tarot Spreads for Relationships

The four spreads will help you attract love, enhance your marriage, better your relationship, or explore relationship potential between you and the person of interest.

Before you shuffle the cards and perform a reading, please make sure you and your partner, if applicable, have both spent ten minutes meditating. This will help you relax and channel energy more efficiently.

One Card Relationship Tarot Spread For Singles

This simple card spread will help you learn how to attract love, or it can be used as a daily forecast for your relationship.

Steps:

1. Once you have spent some time clearing your mind, find a place to sit quietly. This should be somewhere you will not be bothered.
2. You may ask your archangels and spirit guides to protect you at this time.
3. Visualize a gold shield around you.
4. Take a deep breath focusing your question on the cards as you shuffle.
   • What do I need to know to attract love in my life?
   • How can I improve my relationship today?
5. When you feel ready draw the card from the top.
6. Sit patiently and wait for the answer to come to you. You also may want to keep a journal and write in.

In case you need a reminder, The In-Depth Guide to Tarot Meanings and Easy Ways to Open Your Intuition sections will help you with your reading until you become more versed in the practice.

Three Card Tarot Spread for Relationship Potential

Perhaps you’ve been dating someone for a while but aren’t sure about going steady. This spread will show you the energy and potential between you both.

Steps:

1. Once you have spent some time clearing your mind, find a place to sit quietly. This should be somewhere you will not be bothered.
2. You may ask your archangels and spirit guides to protect you at this time.
3. Visualize a gold shield around you.
4. Take a deep breath focusing your question on the cards as you shuffle.
   • What is the relationship potential between (insert name) and me?
5. When you feel ready, draw three cards.
6. Card one is your energy and intention in the relationship. Card two represents your partner’s intent or energy in the relationship. Card three represents the outcome based on your energies combined.
7. Sit patiently and wait for the answer to come to you.
8. You also may wish to keep a diary to write the intuitive messages that you get. Keep these on hand to refer to in the future.

In case you need a reminder, The In-Depth Guide to Tarot Meanings and Easy Ways to Open Your Intuition sections will help you with your reading until you become more versed in the practice. Remember, you have free will and even a lower potential relationship could work as long as it suits you both well and does not cross any of your lines.

Five Card Relationship Tarot Spread for Marriage Check-Up

Perhaps your marriage has been wonderful. But lately, you two seem to be at each other’s neck (and not in a sexy way). This spread is designed to help you come up with a viable solution for both of you that will improve your marriage. This reading does require both partners to be present at the time of the reading.

Steps:

1. Both partners will sit at the table or place of the reading.
2. Both of you will take five deep breaths. During this time you both will clear your thoughts and picture a gold shield of protection around both of you.
3. Decide on who is going to shuffle.
4. The person who shuffles will focus on asking the deck how to improve your marriage.
5. When ready, the person who has shuffled will lay out the cards. Two go to their left. Then one goes in the center. Finally, draw two cards and place them to the right of the center card.
6. You will begin reading the two cards to the left. These present both of your hearts in the marriage. Now you read the center card. The center card represents the possible outcome based on the two cards you have previously read. Following the outcome card, you will read the two cards to the right. Each card represents advice for each one of you to improve your marriage.
7. You may want to include writing in a notebook to refer back to at a later date.

In case you need a reminder, The In-Depth Guide to Tarot Meanings and Easy Ways to Open Your Intuition sections will help you with your reading until you become more versed in the practice.

Seven Card Tarot Spread for Improving Relationships

If you’ve been in a relationship for a few years and it’s struck a plateau, this tarot spread can help get the momentum going.

1. Both partners will take five deep breaths to clear their minds.
2. Picture a gold shield of protection around both of you.
3. When you are ready, you will shuffle the cards while asking for information that you need to know from the source about how to conquer the plateau in your relationship.
4. Place one card on the upper left side of the table. This is the theme of the entire reading.
5. You will pull three cards and place them on the left side of the table.
6. Now hand the deck to your partner and they will now ask their source the question you asked in step three.
7. When your partner feels ready, they will pull three cards and place them on the right side of the surface of where you are doing the reading.
8. When ready, you will read your three cards and then your partner will read theirs. Card one represents your mind and thoughts in the relationship. Card two represents your body and physical energy in the relationships. Card three speaks about your souls in the relationship and any past life trauma or lessons you may need to release to get the relationship moving again.
9. You each will share and journal the results of the reading and keep them as a reference at a later date.

In case you need a reminder, The In-Depth Guide to Tarot Meanings and Easy Ways to Open Your Intuition sections will help you with your reading until you become more versed in the practice.

Reading tarot for relationships and love may seem hard at first. However, if you keep working at it alone, or with a partner, you will pick it up in no time.

References

If you’d like to learn more about tarot these website links can help you!

• https://marykgreer.com/tag/etteilla/
• https://tarotwheel.net/history/
• https://www.learnreligions.com/new-age-metaphysical-4684812
• https://www.tarocks.com/library/etteilla-tarot-deck

Share and Learn More

Now that you’ve had some time to learn more about tarot and try out your own relationship tarot spread readings, how’d it go? Let us know your thoughts in the comments below.

If you are in a new relationship, follow-up with our advice before taking the next step. If you already have kids, learn how to connect during family date night. And no matter what stage of your relationship you are in, check out these date ideas for challenging your soul and spiritual side.

If you enjoyed this article, please share on social media using the buttons below and sign-up for our newsletter to receive advice straight in your inbox.

Grief looks different on each of us. Physical signs of grief like headaches, fatigue, and aches are common. Some people completely break down for a few days and others stay stoic, silently dealing with their pain while trying to appear strong for those around them. Some people appear detached, and others can be irritable. It is important to give your spouse the breadth that they need to come to terms with his dramatic change in their lives.

Stages of Grief

Throughout the last half-century, we have often heard of or studied the stages of grief. The five stages of grief were originally popularized in On Death and Dying, by Elizabeth Kubler-Ross. The 5 Stages of Grief are

1. Denial
2. Anger
3. Bargaining
4. Depression
5. Acceptance

This does not cover the full spectrum of grief, but it is useful as a reference.

Kubler-Ross, before her death, lamented teaching these stages of grief so absolutely. While the stages of grief do often follow the pattern, Kubler-Ross went on to say,

“They were never meant to tuck messy emotions into neat packages. They are responses to loss that many people have, but there is not a typical response to loss, as there is no typical loss. Our grief is as individual as our lives.”

Elizabeth Kubler Ross

Do not worry if your spouse is not fitting into a neat little package. Losing a parent is a major life event, and in some cases, a major life trauma.

When your spouse loses a parent, there is no way to predict exactly how they will handle it. This is why it is important to keep an open mind and offer support and love. It can be intimidating to know exactly what to do or say to help ease their pain. To start, trust your instincts. There are healthy ways with which you can support your spouse through such a loss.

Methods for Supporting a Grieving Spouse

• Remember that there are no rules to grieving.

Everyone grieves differently. Some people immerse themselves into work or taking care of the details of the death. Others will be almost unable to function. In some cases, people express grief with an abundance of tears and emotion, and others are silent in the presence of others.

It is important to reassure your spouse that whatever they are feeling is ok. If you must, say the words “give yourself permission to just feel what you feel.” This can be an immense relief to a spouse who feels numb or disconnected from the world instead of overwhelmingly sad.

• Keep the negativity to yourself.

When it comes to in-laws, there are sometimes past incidents that leave us feeling slighted or bitter. Whether or not you got along with your in-laws, now is not the time to bring it up. Even if you are estranged from the deceased, let that go for now and let your spouse grieve their parent in their own way. I am not suggesting that you forget the past, just have some tact and prioritize your spouse’s grief.

• Take over whatever responsibilities you can from them.

“Focus on comfort, not on fixing it,” says Lori Cluff Schade, PhD. Think of details that your spouse might not be concerned with, such as clothes being cleaned for the memorial services, household chores, etc. Taking care of these details can free your spouse up to grieve however they feel the need to.

When my father passed away, my husband handled everything from food to funeral arrangements while I walked around in a disbelieving haze. When my mother-in-law passed away recently, I did whatever I could to make him comfortable and make sure that he did not have any added stress to deal with.

• Keep an eye out for important appointments.

This is closely related to the prior suggestion but with a slightly different focus. One of the side effects of grief is the loss of focus and ability to remember things. There could be an important payment to send in, a meeting to attend, or something else that completely slips their mind.

If they have a digital calendar, subscribe yourself to it for the time being. If not, keep your own calendar of their appointments just to help remind them in case they are having a bad day.

• Keep an eye out for their physical health.

A study about adult bereavement by the National Institute of Health found that the immune system is impaired following a difficult loss. Prepare healthy meals or snacks for your spouse and encourage them to take their regular medications and vitamins.

The healthy food will help them physically, and they will feel cared for and loved, helping them psychologically as well. Getting outside for a walk can be restorative for both one’s mental and physical health.

• Remind your spouse that they can lean on you.

Losing a parent can feel isolating in a unique way. It can feel lonely, losing the people who brought you into the world and nurtured you into adulthood. Tell your spouse that they can lean on you. Remind them frequently that they are not facing this loss alone.

While you may not be able to feel what they are feeling, they are not feeling it alone. Encourage them to talk about it, or not, depending on what they seem to want to do. Do not pry if they choose to be silent. Just be there, silent with them.

• When appropriate, share your stories and memories of their parent.

A year or so after my father passed away, my husband and I were splashing in the water with the children, when he grew silent. “I miss your dad,” he said. “It never feels right to be swimming without him.” My dad had spent many summers swimming with the grandkids.

It gave me great comfort to know that my spouse genuinely cared for my dad and remembered him fondly. We often share happy memories of our parents with our children so that they remember their grandparents as much as possible, and this brings us comfort, as well.

• Show up. Be there.

Make it a given that they are not alone emotionally by showing up physically. From the hospital to the funeral home to the gravesite: show up. Unless the spouse specifically requests to be alone, you should be at their side.

Try to be with them as much as possible so that if they reach a difficult moment in their grief, they have your support. Your steady presence by their side will be much appreciated.

• Give them permission to move on.

The earlier referenced NIH study found that the bereaved may have better outcomes if they have been given permission to grieve or, in some cases, permission to stop grieving. Giving these words to your spouse can help them emotionally transition to their natural next step. “It’s ok to grieve.” or “It is ok to move on. They would want you to move on and be happy” are both pieces of advice that may mean a great deal to your loved one.

• When appropriate, encourage them to seek outside help.

In some cases, bereavement can be debilitating. After a reasonable period of time, if your spouse seems stuck in a stage of grief, do not hesitate to reach out to a professional grief counselor to help. Make the appointment and go with them, if you must. Grief professionals are incredibly well trained and offer tools that will help your spouse move on.

• Assist them in planning a memorial.

From planting a tree with a plaque in their honor to sponsoring a park bench at their favorite fishing spot, there are many ways to posthumously honor our loved ones. Sometimes your spouse will express that they feel they should have grieved more or done more. Planning an extra memorial event to display the love for the lost parent to the rest of the world can be a wonderful way to express your love and feel closer to the person who has died.

Basic Rules for Supporting Your Spouse

This is a simple foundation of how to be there for a spouse when they lose a parent.

• Be kind.
• Be gentle.
• Be open.
• Be there.

There is more to it than just support, however. A good marriage becomes even closer after the death of a parent. There is a feeling of disconnection from the world when you lose a parent, like you are floating in an abyss and there is no solid ground to hold on to. When you reach out and find your spouse there, you feel reattached. This fosters a closeness and a connection that can sustain you through the process of grief.

Have you dealt with the unfortunate experience of losing a father, mother, or in-law? Or even just someone very close to you or your spouse? What helped you get through it? What takeaways from the experience can you share with our readers? Comment below.

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One of the first promises I made to myself before choosing to date after my divorce was that I would choose to be intentional in the way I chose to experience any relationship I was in. I’m delighted to say that is a promise I have kept to myself, and the benefits are immeasurable.

I did quite a bit of online dating when I set out into the dating world. My profile bio said something like this.

“Hi! I’m Dani. My daily life looks like running my business and being a mom to three young kids. That means intense wrestling matches happen daily around our house, so that’s something you’ll need to be ok with! I’m looking for someone who wakes up every morning and intentionally chooses my kids and me.”

I knew after feeling like a backseat-afterthought in my first marriage that I wanted to be with someone who intentionally chose me each day. And I knew that I wanted to do better at intentionally choosing my companion, too.

Choosing Mindfulness Over Mindlessness

I’ve been with my partner for a little over a year and a half. I know, I know …. those of you who have been together for years or decades will probably grin and think something along the lines of “you’re in the honeymoon phase still!” I get it. I was married for almost twelve years, so I’m not naïve about how relationships can evolve over time.

Here’s the best part of that though. As part of my commitment to myself to be intentional in my relationship, I’ve been conscious of treating each day the same. Do you get what that means?!

For me, it means that EVERY DAY with my partner can be the most EXCEPTIONAL day together.

You think I’m exaggerating?! I’m not. That doesn’t mean that every day IS, because sometimes we aren’t as great with how intentional we are. But I’m not kidding when I say 98% of my days with him are better than I can even fathom. It’s surreal to me how often I find myself in awe that this is the life I’m living.

What Being Intentional in My Relationship Means to Me

So what does being intentional in a relationship mean? And how has being intentional elevated my ability to love? I’m no love expert – but I’d love to share with you what is working for me! When I say intentional, that specific word can usually be replaced with being mindful. Mindfulness is really the practice at play here. Here’s how being mindful in my relationship with my partner looks like for me!

See your partner.

Yes, this sounds weird. But no, it is not. I mean, maybe it is a little. Especially when they catch you staring at them. But really – this is such a huge and easy part of what it means to me to be intentional in my relationship.

What does “seeing” my partner mean? For me, it’s really looking at him and noticing specifics. I love seeing him while he drives. I’m sitting in the passenger seat looking over at the man who is choosing to be with me at that moment. I notice that. I see his dark eyes. I notice his long eyelashes, how they point down a little, and it makes me think of how he’s a sweetly sensitive person.

I notice how much I love that about him. I see his strong hands on the steering wheel and think about the specifics of how much those hands do for our family and for me – what his hands do at work to provide for our family, how he uses his hands to play catch with our sons, what those hands look like tucking in our daughters at night.

This is such a short example of “seeing” your partner. I love to “see” my partner while he’s working (we share a remote office in our home), when he’s playing with the kids, when we’re at church as a family, when he’s cooking dinner, etc. You get the idea! But you’ll notice when you practice this how intimate and almost sacred your thoughts are about your partner because you are the only person who can “see” your partner in this way. Give it a try!

Be intentional in your time together.

This idea goes beyond dedicating a specific date night once a week. This is about really noticing the time you’re choosing to share in the same space. For example: right now, I’m sitting on my bed writing this article on my laptop. My partner is sitting at his desk in our room doing math with our daughter on Facetime.

Before I chose to focus on being more intentional in my relationship, I would not have thought anything about this moment as being “special.” I would have been thinking that we were simply both choosing to be in our room. We just happen to be in it at the same time. That’s not the way I see it now though.

Though we are both in here doing separate tasks, I’m very aware of his presence (and I think he’s aware of mine). In the last twenty minutes, we’ve shared winks with each other, asked each other questions, played with our four-year-old when she danced in here in her princess dress, and we’ve shared quite a few quick glances with each other.

Taking it a step further is where the magic happens. I intentionally appreciate and love this time together. That’s what makes every day in our relationship so amazing for me since choosing to live my life with mindfulness. Acknowledging this moment, and then continuing to acknowledge these moments and opportunities throughout the rest of today is how I’ve elevated my day to day from just living it to actually experiencing it. Nothing is mundane when I choose to see moments purposefully.

Takeaways of a Mindful Relationship

Since I’ve chosen to “see people” and “be intentional in my time” with the people in my life, ALL of my relationships have been elevated! My experiences with my children are richer, my boundaries with unhealthy or difficult relationships are easier to keep, and my time on my own is more meaningful. I am not saying that I am perfect at practicing mindfulness in my relationships 100% of the day. That’s really far from the truth. But practicing this has absolutely elevated my ability to feel love for others, to show love to others, and to embrace the love I am shown as well.

Try it out! What does being mindful in your relationship look like for you? Share your tips, experiences, and questions with our community in the comments below! If you enjoyed this article, please share on social media using the buttons below and sign-up for our newsletter to receive advice straight in your inbox.

Do you ever get that “punch in the gut” feeling when your partner says or does something that just hits you in exactly the wrong way? Your feelings got hurt, and you’re just not sure how to immediately respond. You’re not even sure if you can respond. You’re kind of frozen in your feelings of hurt, disbelief, anger, frustration… all of the emotions are there.

What you do next is the critical decision, and you have a few options.

1. Immediately address the conflict
2. Gather your thoughts over the next few minutes, hours, or even days
3. Hold in your feelings and emotions and leave them unaddressed

Every person and every disagreement may require adaptation to your approach in handling conflict. Having a set approach in place will give you confidence and direction in addressing conflict in your relationship. Holding it all in though – that’s where problems can brew. Here are five reasons why holding in your feelings can be hazardous to your relationship.

Why Working Past Conflicts is Crucial

Holding in feelings can create the perfect hazard for continued resentment

When you’re leaving hurt feelings or issues internal, there’s a good chance that you’re not seeing your partner through those “rose-colored lenses” that you usually enjoy looking through. When you’re holding in feelings, you’re in a more vulnerable state to continue finding reasons to feel hurt, upset, angry, etc. Sometimes, it can even feel like you’re looking for more problems instead of finding solutions.

Holding in feelings does not allow your partner a chance for restitution

When holding in your feelings, you’re robbing your partner of a chance to make things right. Many times in relationships, we’re unaware that we’ve caused hurt and pain to our partner. Often, it’s not until our partner comes forward with their grievance that we can clearly recognize where we may have mis-stepped or gone wrong. We all know it’s extremely difficult to fix something that we don’t even know is broken. Giving your partner a chance to acknowledge their stumble is a gift to both of you.

Holding in feelings does not allow conversation between the two of you

Having a conversation is crucial as it may lead to you understanding where you went wrong. As much as none of us enjoy admitting we’re wrong, it’s absolutely a necessary quality to develop in a relationship. When we hold in our feelings, we’re preventing the growth of our own relationships.

Oftentimes, we’re looking at the “D” part of something that happened while forgetting that “A, B, and C” happened first. When we can have honest conversations with our partners about our perceptions of unfolded events, we can also see where we influenced or misinterpreted the negative outcome. Taking responsibility for our part in hurt feelings can help us resolve our concerns with our partner.

Holding in feelings creates a disconnect in your relationship

When things aren’t copasetic between your partner and you, there’s a chasm that begins to form between you both. Holding your feelings in over and over or choosing to have constructive communication is the deciding element to figure how large that chasm between the two of you will grow to become. The longer feelings of resentment bubble beneath the surface, the greater the distance grows between your partner and you.

When you refrain from all of the more difficult conversations that need to happen, eventually you’ll find yourself on two different sides of a gorge. You’re living life independent of each other. You’re doing things on your own. You become complacent in sharing a space but not sharing a life. The crazy part is, it may not have even ever been “big” problems. Lots of little feelings bottled up over time can create a complete disconnect. All of the unaddressed feelings add up.

Holding in feelings cultivates an atmosphere of distrust

When you hold your feelings in and refrain from confronting them with your partner, there’s a sense of distrust that begins to form. You wonder why your partner doesn’t notice your agitation. Do they not know you well enough to see you’re hurting? You thought they did, but now you’re questioning it. Can they not see you’re struggling? Do they not care?

All of these insecurities can compound and lead to feelings of being unwanted or being unseen. When we’re feeling these emotions, it’s extremely easy to fall into patterns of grandiose thoughts and feelings. Ultimately, we can feel distrust towards our partner for “not having our back” so-to-say.

Now What?

One more strong reason to not bottle up your emotions is that it can have a toll on your physical and mental health, potentially even leading to heart disease and cancer.

When we look at these reasons to avoid holding in our feelings, we may see where we’re falling short in our relationships. Having a conversation about how to communicate when our feelings are hurt is the first place to start. The best time to have this conversation is before the need arises!

By talking about how you would like to communicate about hurt feelings or frustrations before you actually need to, you’re automatically creating a safe and assuring plan to turn to when necessary. The assurance and confidence that accompanies a plan can help you have the courage you need to bring up the hard conversations. Don’t hold it in. Think through your feelings, wrap your head around what you can, and trust that your partner is genuinely invested in growing your relationship with you. That’s why you’re in the relationship in the first place!

During periods of extreme stress and natural disasters, it is especially important to not hold in your feelings. You can read about Kelly’s experience with a major unexpected power outage and how to deal with a natural disaster or sudden, extreme stress here.

How do your partner and you approach difficult conversations? What have you learned about this process? Share your thoughts with our community in the comments! If you enjoyed this article, please share on social media using the buttons below and sign-up for our newsletter to receive advice straight in your inbox.

In February 2021, Texas faced an epic infrastructure disaster that left millions of people without power, water and transportation. My family and I were right in the middle of it, stuck trying to cope with this natural disaster. The night the storm blew in, we got alerts that some power blackouts would be affecting our area, and we made basic preparations.

We lived just north of “hurricane alley” for years, so we’re used to extended blackouts and weather danger. During Hurricane Ike, we had an 18 month old child and went seven days without power. In Texas. In August. We know what we’re doing. Our pantry was full, we had warm clothes and candles. Personally, I was excited to get a little quiet time with my fully charged e-reader.

The power went out sometime on Monday, and it just didn’t come back on for hours at a time. Just when we least expected it, the power would surge on for thirty minutes to a couple of hours, our furnace would heat us up a little, and then it would go out again.

Our home requires electricity to run our gas furnace, and the temperature outside dropped to zero. I’ve lived in Texas for 36 years and have never experienced anything like zero degrees. We dripped our faucets and huddled with our children under blankets.

We kept our gas fireplace running, but it didn’t give off much heat. By the time we got a surge of power at 2:00 in the morning, our home was below 50 degrees. Remember, Texas homes are designed to not hold in heat. In the summers, we work around the clock to stay cool. Therefore, our basic home designs and building materials are different than places up north that can live through nor’easters.

While the power was on, we charged all the devices, brewed coffee for the morning, and rushed to cook some hot food. We would repeat this pattern for three days before our power finally stayed on. We watched as our pool froze solid, listened as our pool equipment cracked. We have yet to even calculate the damage.

We anxiously sat together. For one full day, even our cell service was out, and we were unable to contact anyone in the outside world. That was eerie, and I started to get a little worried. Eventually, 5G service would kick in, and I’d get a few updates or text messages from friends.

Every time I checked social media, another neighbor or friend was experiencing freezing temperatures in their homes or busted pipes followed by huge blasts of icy water that then froze the inside of their homes, solidifying the damage to their flooring and walls. It was a nightmare.

In times of great stress, your marriage can and should be an emotional resource to help one another cope with the strenuous circumstances. In many cases like these, when people start to run out of food or medicine or start thinking about what all this damage will cost, emotions can run extremely high, and it’s easy to take frustration out on each other.

Read through the following advice to keep in mind the next time you and your spouse have to cope natural disasters or other sudden, high periods of stress together.

7 Ways to Cope with Natural Disasters and Sudden Stress

1. Reassure One Another From the Beginning

Look your partner in the eye and let them know that no matter what happens, you will weather the storm together. No matter how bad things get, you’ll have each other and will look out for each other’s health and well-being.

2. Try to Settle Any Frustrations with Each Other

If you’re furious about your spouse forgetting to do something, let them know that you need them to do it, and talk it out once everything is stable. Focus on staying safe first. What you don’t want to do is hold everything in, let out a passive aggressive remark and have it spiral into hurt feelings or resentment during a natural disaster.

3. Sit Down Together and Discuss Contingency Plans

This can be done way before any weather event. Under what circumstances will you try to evacuate? How will you handle it if your roof has damage? Having plans or ideas of what will happen ahead of time will give you great reassurance. One of the actions that gave me the most comfort was my husband making sure we had our insurance agent’s number programmed into both of our phones.

4. Stay Up to Date

Monitor updates from local officials and discuss them with one another. If any of these updates will be a problem for you, discuss calmly what you can do. During the ice storm, we were bringing snow inside and filling bathtubs to have water to flush the toilets with in case we lost water.

5. Keep Busy

My grandmother used to say that idle hands were the devil’s instrument. Having nothing to do and getting bored only leads to trouble. Instead of just stewing on what could happen, play a game together. Make a picnic out of non-perishables and make it a date night.

6. Tell Your Spouse What You’re Worried About

I was really scared that we might have pipes bust. I confided in my husband my worries about busted pipes leading to living in a hotel – which many people are currently experiencing even weeks after the winter weather event in Texas event – and having to mess with renovating our entire home. My husband knew just what to say, and he wrapped me in a hug and told me that at least I’d get that new flooring I always wanted. The mood lightened.

7. If You Can’t Sleep, Don’t

Chances are you’ll get a nap at some point, but don’t lay in bed fretting at every noise you hear. Read a book, or do something productive until you are tired enough to sleep.

Three days later, our power came back on. Yes, the pool equipment was a total loss, and it’s going to cost us. We got through it alright, though. We presented a united front to our children and made the experience an adventure. We relied on each other when we needed to, helped each other with work that needed to be done, and when it ended, we cleaned up together. Once your family is secured, do not forget to reach out to friends and neighbors to check if you can help them – especially the elderly or sick that may be too proud to ask for help.

Hopefully disasters like this will start coming at us less frequently. Until that day, we’ll stay prepared and do our best to keep each other safe. There is power in love. Together, we can face any challenge that comes our way.

What are your tips for coping natural disasters? Do you have a great emergency preparedness idea that might benefit our readers? Reach out and share your thoughts with our community in the comments below! If you enjoyed this article, please share on social media using the buttons below and sign-up for our newsletter to receive advice straight in your inbox.

Being a part of a relationship that is steadily growing and being tended to is one of the most satisfying human experiences. By living mindfully and putting in the intentional time, thought, practice, and energy into building relationships, we can achieve that satisfaction. There are endless things to do to strengthen your marriage or relationship. Choosing approaches that best fit your relationship goals will ensure the growth your partner and you are seeking and working towards.

Why Reading Together Brings You Closer

Reading together as a couple can be an extremely positive relationship-building tool. We’re going to examine three unexpected reasons reading together can be your new relationship obsession and how you can get the most from your experiences reading together.

For the purpose of what we’re discussing today, what you’re reading together is up to you! This is not intended to be geared towards reading relationship or self-help books. These tips are geared towards reading whatever you choose as a couple. This could be novels, biographies, non-fiction, magazines, newspapers, scriptures – whatever works for YOUR relationship!

Reason One: Reading Together Creates Topics for Conversation

While silence can be golden at times, other times you may find a lull in your conversations with your partner even though you’d like the engagement. Choosing a book or article to read together creates a natural variety of topics to discuss as a partnership. Nothing is off-limits or “wrong” here. Maybe reading created a new train of thought completely unrelated to the book. That train of thought is still worth discussing with your partner.

Let’s examine what some conversation topics based on your reading can be. For this example, we’ll say that you’ve chosen to read a novel together. Here are some topics of conversation you can have as a couple based on what you’re reading.

1. Plotline – Starting your conversation by discussing the plotline will most likely end up with multiple branches of conversation flowing naturally.
2. Characters – What do you like and dislike about the characters? What qualities do you admire in some of them? Are there any similarities between any of the characters and your partner or you?
3. Lessons learned – What are your takeaways from the experiences in the story? How do they apply to your life? Do you agree or disagree with what the story may be teaching?

Reason Two: Reading Together Can Help You Connect in An Intellectual Way

In relationships, we often fall into patterns, we create habits, and we repeat cycles. This isn’t intended to be a negative observation. People are drawn to consistency for many reasons, but when we want to experience a surge of growth in our relationships, a unique experience needs to occur to initiate that surge. Reading together can be that spark.

When we choose to commit to our partner, it’s not because we know EVERYTHING there is to know about them. It’s more because we are intrigued by learning more about what makes them, well, them. Connecting on an intellectual level is one way to explore and experience our partner in new ways. Reading together can pull out our partner’s intellectual characteristics while simultaneously pulling out our own.

When we read, we are stimulating our thoughts. When we observe and discuss our thoughts, we are stimulating our minds even more. Doing this together can be a very connecting experience. Engaging in conversations beyond the plot of a story can open critical thinking pathways that you usually don’t explore together.

Gaining an understanding of how your partner gets from point A, to point B, to point C, and so-on in a thought process can help you understand your partner more profoundly. Regularly engaging in these conversations can help you establish patterns in the way your partner thinks and perceives the world; therefore, you’ll gain a deeper understanding of your partner.

You don’t have to agree on your thoughts and observations about what you’re reading. In fact, disagreements over opinions can spur great intellectual conversations that can also lead to a sense of closeness. After all, part of relationships is learning how to disagree effectively.

According to Psychology Today, there is even scientific research behind being attracted to intellectual experiences. So when your husband is analytically conversing with you about his thoughts on what you’re reading, you may find that really sexy. Or when your girlfriend is explaining how something she read has enlightened her in a new way, she may be especially hot to you during that moment. It’s normal. And it’s another benefit of reading together

Reason Three: Reading Together Creates an Interpersonal Experience

When you read together, you’re sharing something that’s just “yours.” Chances of your friends or family reading the exact same media at the same time as you are pretty low. Having an experience that is personal to the two of you creates a bond. It’s almost like a “secret” between the two of you, even though it’s something that does not require being secretive. It feels special to engage in an activity that the two of you have decided to participate in together.

My Experience

I had a desire to write on this topic because of the many positive experiences I’ve had reading with my partner. At the beginning of our relationship, we read The Alchemist by Paulo Coelho. For us, we read independently and then discuss what we read together. Some couples may choose to read aloud to each other, and that would work great too!

Reading this particular book was a very personal experience for us. The main theme and lessons we learned from this book are based on the concept of what love is. At least that’s what we pulled from the pages when we read it! I say it was about love because that’s what we wanted it to be about, but I’m positive there are other amazing themes in there as well. In fact, I’ve been itching to read it again to see what I missed the first time.

When we discussed our reading almost daily, our conversation centered on the author’s perceptions of love and how we related them to our relationship. The characteristics of how the author viewed loved were very similar to our own views. It felt reassuring to feel love in our relationship as described in the book, and it felt encouraging to continue on our path to understanding love more deeply.

Reading that particular book together created an intimate experience that I still treasure. We talk fondly of our conversations about the first book we read together. I am absolutely sure of the deeper connection I felt with my partner after completing the book and our conversations on it that have never ended. Thoughts still arise over a year later that are centered on what we learned from those pages.

Have you read together as a couple? What have been your most favorite reads? Leave a comment below and share your tips with our community! If you enjoyed this article, please share on social media using the buttons below and sign-up for our newsletter to receive advice straight in your inbox.

No matter how much you love your partner, you need some time to yourself – and so do they. The ability to spend time apart, both alone and with friends, is one sign of a healthy relationship.

Of course, us time is also essential! You certainly shouldn’t neglect either your partner’s needs or the relationship, itself. But in order to give and share to the full extent of your ability, you need to maintain your own health and energy.

So read on, and learn why me time matters and how to ask for it in a way that respects your loved ones.

The Importance of Self-Care

We are finite. No matter how awesome, how giving, how energetic we are, we have limits. Respecting those limits isn’t selfish – it’s necessary and healthy. We all need to recharge on a regular basis.

Me time can take place with friends or alone. In fact, you should allot yourself some of each, time for the independent, social you and time for the private you. Some days may call for lunch with a close friend. Others may demand a nap.

Even extreme extroverts need some alone time. They may require less than introverts, but in the same way that “no man is an island,” no man (or woman) is a borderless blob of energy.

Take time to recenter yourself, no matter what that looks like. We all draw energy from similar sources but in different amounts and with different quirks.

Pay attention both to what you need on a regular basis and what you need right now. Perhaps, regular exercise keeps you fresh and upbeat. Integrate workouts into your schedule, but also be aware of more immediate, changing demands. Run-down? Maybe a long soak in the tub is a better solution than a five-mile jog.

Remember: provide yourself with the same love and care you give others, including your partner. Self-care is not selfish.

8 Me Time Ideas

You may already know, or you may want to explore what works for you. Great me-time activities include:

1. Exercise
2. Meditation or journaling
3. Pampering with beauty or body-care
4. Reading
5. Art, music, crafts
6. Time with friends or family
7. Bucket-list adventures
8. Independent hobbies or interests

Note the array of possibilities in each of these items. For example, some people may benefit from playing a team sport. Others may want to do yoga, run, or dance.

As said, needs can change. Greatist has a chart of various human-battery drains and related suggestions for recharging them.

Remember: me time should be proactive as well reactive. Don’t leave it until the last second, the moment you come to the end of yourself.

How to Ask and Plan for Me Time

It can be hard to request time apart, but identify the source of your anxiety. If you feel selfish, shift your internal vocabulary to think in terms of self-care rather than self-indulgence.

If you worry about your partner’s feelings or reaction, practice explaining your needs beforehand. As in other matters, clear communication is integral to a successful relationship.

Some points to establish:

• Physical distance doesn’t mean emotional distance.
• Time apart gives you the chance to rebalance and recalibrate yourself, giving you more energy to devote to the relationship.
• Balance is important. Personal identity and growth matters even within the context of couple identity and mutual growth.
• It’s no more “about them” than your need for sleep is “about them.”

Remember: when done right, me time benefits relationships. It shouldn’t threaten them.

Tips to Help You Communicate Your Me-Time Needs

If you’re still nervous about the conversation, try these approaches:

Match me time with us time.

Quality couple time is invaluable. Make it clear to your partner that you care about the needs of the relationship as well as your personal needs.

At the same time that you approach the idea of some time apart, plan for time together. You might suggest a future date. Or perhaps there’s an activity or project that you’ve been discussing as a joint venture. Figure out how to get it off the ground.

Be specific.

When the concept is left abstract, the idea of me time can be more threatening than it should be. While you are still establishing the need for time apart, link the broader concept to a specific practice.

Examples:

• I need time to myself to jog a few times a week – most often on Mondays, Wednesdays, and Fridays. Running alone helps me to clear my head and center myself.
• I need to spend more time drawing/writing/making jewelry. At least a couple times a week, I’m going to head out/shut myself in the office and work on it. I really miss expressing myself in this manner.
• In the mornings, I need to take a half hour for yoga/journaling/meditation. This practice grounds me and gets me ready for the day. I know it may not always be possible, but when it is, I’d really appreciate it if you could handle any interruptions that come up so that I can focus internally.
• I haven’t seen Jenny in a long time. I really need to reconnect with her, so the two of us are going to spend some quality time together on Saturday.

Schedule It.

Make it a feature of your calendar, something that needs to be respected in the same way that your partner respects your other commitments. Doing so will ensure that me time doesn’t get lost in the chaos of the week.

You Time Matters, Too!

Encourage them to take time for themselves. Pay attention to the relationships and practices that support them outside your relationship. Suggest they get together with a certain friend…or head to a yoga class…or whatever it is they might miss.

Remember: be considerate and clear. If you still struggle to establish the mutual need for time apart, there may be other problems with your communication or dynamic that need attention.

Let us know: how do you make time for yourself in your relationship?

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You know the “Advice for the Bride and Groom” (or Bride and Bride or Groom and Groom) table at most weddings or bridal showers? It’s the place where all the guests fill out a card with advice for the new couple, and it’s pretty much a guarantee that the advice that is most written on those cards is the old adage “Never go to bed angry.” We’re going to talk today about why that’s a load of junk and why it can be necessary for a healthy relationship to table resolutions for another day.

The Old Way – Going to Bed Angry

I’ve been fortunate enough to go through a divorce and find a second chance at creating a life together with someone new. That first week or two after divorce though? Pure torture. It was as if I had a crystal ball in my head, and my recollection of all the things I did wrong in my relationship were floating in and out of the forefront of my mind.

All of these memories were a painful reminder of my failed marriage. But they also created an intense resolve in me to learn from my mistakes and be intentional in all parts of any future relationship I chose to be in. I remember being so eager post-divorce to have the opportunity to show myself that I can learn from past relationship mistakes. Luckily, I’ve found that chance!

I met my partner about a year after my divorce, and the first few months, as usual, were like living on cloud-nine. Actually, it still is like living on cloud-nine, but there were just those extra butterflies that come with the realization that you’ve met your soul-mate. (No, I didn’t believe in soul-mates before meeting him. Yes, now I do!) Feelings intensified, we had some unique circumstances, and we ended up moving in together about five months in.

The feelings stayed intense, life with him felt amazing, and both of us were doing our best to intentionally choose each other every day. Add in six kids and blending our families, and we had a house filled with excitement, energy, and love. And then it happened – our first disagreement.

I can’t tell you what we were disagreeing about because I don’t remember. What I do remember is that he wasn’t ready to talk about it just yet. He let me know he was trying to process his feelings in his mind, and he didn’t want to discuss our disagreement until he had a better handle on his role in the argument. He would let me know when he was ready. This was at bedtime, so we both went to bed – that’s to say, we went to bed angry.

I didn’t sleep. ALL the feelings of failure came rushing into me. I kept thinking “We shouldn’t be going to bed angry” because I had heard that all of my life. I still had the resolve to make better relationship choices this time. And I wanted to make the right choices every time there was an opportunity. I didn’t want to fall into a habit of being upset with each other, and I especially didn’t want to be on opposite sides of the bed at night, ensuring not even a toe grazed each other under the covers.

I felt like our relationship was crashing because we weren’t in sync before going to sleep. This is a good time to note that these intense, irrational feelings after divorce are extremely common. It’s almost like your brain is going into overdrive to protect you from all the hurt you’ve already gone through. It was NOT helping me at that moment!! I just wanted to shake him awake and tell him he HAD to talk to me because we just couldn’t go to bed angry. We would feel so much better if we resolved our issues that night. My mind raced all night, and I barely slept.

As I said, I don’t even remember what the disagreement was about. I do know that we resolved it the next day, and we moved on. I visited with my therapist about the scenario. I knew that I was hyper-reacting, but I also wanted to know what is really healthy in a relationship when it comes to going to bed with unresolved issues. Our conversation was amazing.

The New Way – Going to Bed With Love

My therapist and I talked about how important it is for me to know that I am giving my relationship my ALL. I can be at peace when I know I am doing the very best I can at any given moment to improve on my weaknesses, grow in my understanding of myself, and consistently honor my own feelings. I’m also at peace when I know that I am loving him from a place of abundance and expecting nothing in return, and when I acknowledge that my efforts towards loving him are intentional.

We talked about going to bed angry. And this is where the real “aha moment” clicked for me. My partner had told me he was trying to make sense of our disagreement. He set a boundary for me, and it was in place to protect both of us. He knew he wasn’t ready to calmly process through our argument with me quite yet because he hadn’t processed through it all on his own.

By practically demanding a resolution from him in my mind before falling asleep, I was reassuring myself of all untrue feelings. I felt like he must not love me if he couldn’t even resolve what really was a small issue with me. He was really telling me that he loves me so much that he wanted to resolve our argument when we were both in a place of seeing the disagreement more clearly and with fewer emotions clouding our minds. What he was really saying was “It’s ok if we go to bed angry.”

My therapist painted a beautiful picture in my mind that day, and it’s something that we’ve put into practice in our relationship since then.

“Go to bed angry,” she said. “But before you go to sleep, reach out and hold his hand.”

Life-changing.

It really was that “aha moment” for me when she counseled this. Going to bed angry does NOT mean going to bed without love. When we are in disagreement, we can still do ALL of the things we do when we are more in sync. We can also hold space for each other to process through the disagreement so we can become ready to work through it together. While we may not fall asleep cuddling each other like we usually do, we can fall asleep with a hand touching and KNOWING that whatever the disagreement may be, it is NOT bigger than our commitment to each other.

Being in a disagreement does not need to be all the things that we hear about. We don’t need to give each other the silent treatment until we resolve our argument. We don’t have to scream. We don’t have to talk negatively about the other person to others. We don’t have to sleep on opposite sides of the bed or in another bed altogether. We don’t have to steer clear of each other throughout the day. We don’t have to “agree” with each other just to make the problem go away while simultaneously continuing to hold resentment.

Being in a disagreement is a time for you to trust your own instincts, but do so with intention instead of out of reaction. Maybe you need some time to yourself. Maybe you need to journal your thoughts to help organize them. Maybe you could use a long walk and fresh air. Listen to your heart, head, and body to see what it’s telling you, and then do that.

Time went on and my partner and I had another disagreement. I don’t remember what it was about. I do remember that we weren’t ready to talk about it when we went to bed. I also reassured myself that we would resolve it when we were both ready.

I got on my side. He got on his. We both hugged the edge of our sides of the bed. We were under the same covers, but not a part of us was touching. I sat in my thoughts for a while. He sat in his. I was sad and frustrated, and I think he was too.

And then I rolled over and reached out my hand. He reached his back towards mine. His touch on my fingers felt exactly how I want love to feel to me. It felt tangible, real, heavy, and intentional. Our eyes met, my heart calmed, and I felt his love for me. Our disagreement was still there, but it was not consuming me.

I felt peace and assurance knowing that my partner and I would work through it when we were ready. I also felt peace and assurance knowing that I was choosing to place our disagreement under my choice to love him. Choosing to love him is a gift to myself, and it’s one that I will always strive to place above all else in our relationship.

We repeat this process almost identically any time we are in disagreement. Knowing that we have this plan in place gives me even more freedom to take my time, process my feelings, and give myself permission to work out the disagreement and possible resolutions before coming to the discussion table. This is working so well for us. So, we will continue to go to bed angry because we know that’s what we sometimes need.

What are your thoughts on going to bed angry? Do you think you should never go to bed angry, or are you ok to table your disagreement for another time? Reach out and share your thoughts with our community!  And sign-up for our newsletter to receive advice straight in your inbox.

I think by now we all know how important setting goals are, so we’re not going to talk about that here. What we are going to talk about is how setting unique and specific goals can improve your relationship. There are three ways setting unique couple goals can positively impact your relationship. First, unique goals specific to your partnership helps make goals feel more intimate to your relationship. Second, setting goals together ensures you have someone to keep you accountable for achieving your goals. Third, setting goals together encourages consistent growth and change in your relationship.

Set Specific Goals Unique to Your Relationship

Setting broad goals in your relationship is absolutely important. We hear about these types of goals all the time. We also hear about setting smaller goals, daily and weekly ones, but how many of us are doing that? And what can those goals even be? Setting goals should be extremely specific to your relationship. In doing so, you’re creating this small but intimate act that helps reinforce your commitment to yourself and your partner. Knowing that you are setting a goal that is personal to your partnership adds the fun aspect of feeling like it’s your novel goal. Feeling like no one else is doing what you’re doing gives it an extra personal touch.

I’ll give an example. My partner and I set goals really early in our relationship. It was almost immediately after agreeing to be in a committed relationship that we had a long discussion about daily and weekly goals that were important to us. We set big and broad goals too. One goal that we have stuck with the very best is to spend one hour every Sunday laying in bed while touching. No TV. No phones. Just eye contact, conversation, and touch. Sometimes it means just holding hands while we talk. Sometimes it’s tickling arms. Sometimes it’s rubbing feet. It doesn’t really matter what it is. It does matter what it does for us.

The benefits to us when we stick with this goal are immeasurable. We’re starting our week off purposefully with quality and intentional time together. It helps remind us what our main priority is for the week – and that’s each other and our family. In the middle of busy work schedules, kids’ activities, unexpected events, and more, we start every week honoring each other and reminding ourselves of what is most important in our lives.

Here are some examples of small, unique couple goals to get you started.

1. Sunday morning walk together
2. 10 minutes of conversation before turning on the TV every night
3. Write one email to each other weekly
4. One lunch break date with each other weekly
5. Read 10 pages of a book together each night

There are no right or wrong goals you can set as a couple. Think about what you need. Think about times you really connect, and set goals to ensure those opportunities happen more often.

Setting Goals Ensures You Stay Accountable

As with any goals, setting goals with a partner helps create an accountability system. A goal should be something you are both committed to. You’re not setting goals to please each other. If you are doing this, it most likely won’t stick! You should have a desire to work towards this goal on your own, even without your partner’s assistance.

Setting goals with someone adds a partner to your journey and, as with most other experiences in life, having a partner to share an experience with makes it all the more meaningful. I’ve found that setting goals with my partner provides me extra encouragement to stick to them. I don’t want to let him down, and I want to keep my commitments to him and to myself.

Setting Goals Encourages Consistent Change and Growth

When you stop growing you start dying.

William S. Burroughs

Do you believe this? I do. Firmly. The idea behind this is there is no status quo. We can’t simply just exist in the middle. This is in regards to every aspect of our lives, and our relationship is definitely included in that.

Think about it. Picture when your partner and you are “out of sync” a little bit. Nothing, in particular, went wrong. No one is fighting. No one is really taking the initiative to pick things up a bit either. You just don’t feel quite as close. Do you think your relationship is growing or dying in these moments? Do you think you’re good to just sit in the middle for a bit? While there are natural hills and valleys in our relationships, what are we doing to proactively stay on the top of those hills for longer periods?

Setting goals is a proactive way to protect from these declines in our relationship. I don’t think I’ve ever come away from intentional time spent working on a goal with my partner and thought “That was a waste of time. I feel disconnected from him now.” Every conversation, every intentional activity together, every moment with a purpose – it’s all going to assist in growing our relationships instead of allowing them to flounder.

The First Step

Maybe your partner and you already have goals. Maybe you have never set goals as a couple. Either way, now is a good time to evaluate your goals or lack thereof. Here’s a challenge for you, too. Sometime, in the next three days, sit down with your partner. You’re going to make ONE unique and specific goal for your relationship together. Make sure you’re both on the same page, and it’s a goal you can both commit to. Start small if this is new to you. Set a time to evaluate your goal each week and ensure you’re sticking with it. Pivot on your goal if you find it’s not quite what you need. Make your goals work for you.

What are your thoughts on setting goals as a couple? What goals have worked well for your partner and you? What do you struggle with? Leave a comment so our community can learn from you, too! And sign-up for our newsletter to receive advice straight in your inbox.